Bitchin' Film Reviews

Tell No One (Ne le dis à personne)

2008-08-30T21:58:00.006-06:00

As of August 31st, I will no longer be posting here at blogspot. But come and see me at my new place over at www.bitchinfilmreviews.com, and update your feeds to http://bitchinfilmreviews.com/?feed=rss2. Thanks!

If you look up this film, you're bound to read its tag line: Eight years ago, Alex's wife was murdered. Today... she e-mailed him. You may also come across words like 'thriller' combined with words like 'intense.' If I had that information before going into the theater, I would have written off Tell No One (Ne le dis à personne) as some action flick with poor acting and worse scriptwriting. It is anything, but that.

The film is based on the book of the same title by American author Harlan Coben. I haven't read the book, but with a screenplay this complex, I must read it's source material, and is now definitely on my TBR list. No One comes from director Guillaume Canet (My Idol, J'peux pas dormir) who is one of France's highest paid, and lusted after actors.

While Canet has a small role, he directs an all star cast that oozes with talent. The opening scene introduces us to Alexander Beck (François Cluzet), and his wife Margot (Marie-Josée Croze) at an idyllic, deserted lake. After laying together on the dock, Margot decides to go back to the house. Once out of view, Alex hears a scream, when he goes to check on her, he's hit in the head with a bat and falls unconscious in the water. It then cuts to 8 years later. Alex had been investigated in the disappearance/murder of his wife, but had been cleared of suspicion until some new evidence re-opened the case. He also receives a mysterious coded e-mail which leads him to a video that suggests his wife may not be dead, that the unrecognizable body they buried under the name Margot was a fake.

From that point on there are twists, and turns, and police chases, and serial killers, and conspiracies. However, although it sounds sensational, it doesn't feel that way at all. The film isn't based on these factors alone, it's based on its characters, and thanks to dedicated development we can relate and suspend our disbelief with almost no effort. While the film runs just over two hours, it certainly doesn't feel that way. Canet masterfully keeps his cast, his characters, his plot, his camera angles, and his vision in check and the result is mesmerizing and engaging. It's clear Canet took some cues from recent successful French and European thrillers like unendingly disturbing films Cache and Voorloos (The Vanishing), but he takes those cues and makes them his own.

Rottentomatoes: 91% - Cream of the Crop:95%

Although this is not an official Lit Flicks Challenge entry, it would be the perfect candidate since it's based on a book...and I saw the movie! That's all it takes folks to be involved. The challenge starts September 1st, so sign up here, and check back soon! After all, you're probably reading books, and watching movies anyway, why not win prizes for doing so?

Rushmore

2008-08-29T19:52:00.002-06:00

As of August 31st, I will no longer be posting here at blogspot. But come and see me at my new place over at www.bitchinfilmreviews.com, and update your feeds to http://bitchinfilmreviews.com/?feed=rss2. Thanks!

Sometimes mixing three of my favorite things isn't a good idea. For example: going to movies, sleeping, and toast: not a good combination. But in the case of Rushmore, it worked really well. Wes Anderson, Bill Murray, and Jason Schwartzman mix real nice.

Having finally watched this film, I've now exposed myself to Anderson's entire oeuvre (yeah, I know it's only 5 feature length films, and one short film, but still...). All were a hit except for that one misstep, 'The Life Aquatic,' and we'll pretend that never happened.

Rushmore was written through a team effort from Anderson himself and his college buddy Owen Wilson (which explains the Luke Wilson cameo). The film follows Max Fischer (played by Jason Schwartzman) and his overly ambitious endeavors at his prep school, Rushmore. This is Schwartzman's first film, and has since entertained us with his hilarity in movies like I Heart Huckabees and Sophia Coppola's Marie Antoinette. At Rushmore, Max befriends Herman Blume (Bill Murray), the father of some of his fellow classmates, and falls in love with elementary school teacher Rosemary Cross (Olivia Williams). The three promptly fall into a quirky love triangle in classic French New Wave style.

I like to think of Wes Anderson as a sort of Tim Burton on Prozac. Not to say Anderson is any less original than Burton, but he has a totally original, distinctive, and pleasing style. His more recent projects The Darjeeling Limited, and The Royal Tenenbaums follow in the same suit.

Rushmore is hilarious and doesn't depend on the crassness and potty humor trend that comedies seem to be following these days. Murray and Schwartzman make a great team and I wish they'd work together again, (Side note: although they both haven't actually been in the same film together since, they both went on to star in films directed by Sophia Coppola who is Schwartzman's cousin. Once again, proof that all the things I love are interconnected).

I've heard this film described as a 'boy movie.' But it's not true. This film is for everyone!

Rottentomatoes: 86% - Cream of the Crop: 76%

Rated R for language and brief nudity.

(If you decide to buy this film, be sure and get the Criterion Collection edition, and read the blog 'Stuff White People Like' about Wes Anderson films.)

The House Bunny

2008-08-23T23:48:00.008-06:00

As of August 31st, I will no longer be posting here at blogspot. But come and see me at my new place over at www.bitchinfilmreviews.com, and update your feeds to http://bitchinfilmreviews.com/?feed=rss2. Thanks!

Yeah, I saw it. So what? Sometimes there's nothing else out there except a Ben Stiller movie that's getting decent reviews but you hate him so, so much you've vowed never to see another of his movies again. So yeah, I saw The House Bunny.

Bunny comes to us from director Fred Wolf (who also wrote and directed 2008's Strange Wilderness, which received the dubious honor of a 0% rating on rottentomatoes...). The story follows Shelley, a Playboy bunny kicked out of the Playboy mansion when she turns 27. Without any direction in her life, she stumbles into the world of college sororities and fraternities, decides to become a house mom, and whips a bunch of misfit co-eds into slightly prettier, more shallow versions of themselves.

This film would be a complete loss if it weren't for it's star Anna Faris, who is completely hilarious. Even though they beat some of the funnier jokes to death, her comedic timing is pitch perfect, and I laughed out loud almost every time she opened her mouth (at least until the last 30 minutes when the film just completely falls flat on its face). It's really a miracle what she can do with such a shite script. She is the only reason (if there are any) to see this flick.

Wait for the DVD on this one.

Bitchin' Stars: * out of ****

Rottentomatoes: 40% - Cream of the Crop: 29%

Rated PG-13 for sex-related humor, partial nudity and brief strong language.

Being John Malkovich

2008-08-19T16:34:00.015-06:00

As of August 31st, I will no longer be posting here at blogspot. But come and see me at my new place over at www.bitchinfilmreviews.com, and update your feeds to http://bitchinfilmreviews.com/?feed=rss2. Thanks!

I'm ashamed that it's taken me so long to see this fantastic film, directed by Spike Jonze. I'm not sure what my hesitancy was in watching it, except for some bad memories of John Malkovich in that 3 musketeers movie from when I was, like, 10. Anyway, this movie blew me away.

Spike Jonze started out as a music video director. Directing videos for Bjork, the Beastie Boys, and others, he developed quite the style, which is immediately evident with his direction in Being John Malkovich. Some directors that make the Jump from music videos to film put all their effort into style, and let the content (plot lines, character development, etc.) slide (unfortunately, Tarsem falls into this catagory, even though The Fall is one of my favorite films this year). Fortunately for Jonze, Charlie Kaufman (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Adaptation) wrote one helluva script that leaves you completely satisfied and yet wanting more.

The script was fresh, entertaining and wickedly funny. One of my favorite parts follows:

"Excuse me, are you John Malkovich?"

"Yes, I am."

"Wow, you're really, uh, great in that movie, where you play that retard."

"Oh, thank you very much..."

"I have a cousin who's a retard."

"...oh, thank you."

"Yeah, so, um, as you might imagine, it means a lot to me to see retards portrayed on the silver screen so... compassionately."

"Well thank you very much, I appreciate that. Good night."

Read here for more memorable quotes from the movie. If I can't convince you to see this movie, those quotes will.

All the players are remarkable. Cameron Diaz isn't even recognizable as Lotte, the frumpy wife animal-lover, that believes she's transgendered, once experiencing lovemaking with a woman from Malkovich's point of view. There's her husband Craig (John Cusack), who just wants to share his artistic vision with the world as a puppeteer and resents his wife for wanting children. There's Craig's co-worker Maxine (Catherine Keener, who is the true star of the show) who falls in love with Lotte, but only when she inhabits Malkovich. I've always felt the Academy has snubbed Catherine Keener, but they finally recognized her fantastic performance in this movie with a nomination nod. Craig discovers a small door in his office that serves as a portal to the conscious of John Malkovich. Because he's in love with her, Craig shares this with Maxine who decides to rent out the experience afterhours to those who want to be somebody else. And finally there's John Malkovich who is, as always, (except that musketeer movie) tremendous.

I can't praise Malkovich enough. It is endlessly entertaining, and I gaurantee you will lose yourself in it, if you only give it a chance.

Rottentomatoes: 92% - Cream of the Crop: 92%

Rated R for language and sexuality.

The Dead Girl

2008-08-16T18:07:00.004-06:00

I don't know why, but as I perused the aisles of Blockbuster the other night (aisles that I have practically memorized), this DVD just happened to catch my eye. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a subconscious fascination with the morbid. Anyway, I picked up The Dead Girl and was astounded at the list of what I consider to be A-list actors, and at the fact I'd never even heard of this 2006 release.

When I saw Brittany Murphy listed, my mind made an inaudible, 'Ahhhh' (Ahhhh in the bad, disappointed way, not like the Ahhhh you make when you see puppies). But then I continued to read: Toni Collette, Giovanni Ribisi (okay, he's questionable), Rose Byrne, James Franco (who only won me over last week with his performance in Pineapple Express), Josh Brolin, Marcia Gay Harden, and several others. Then I asked ChaCha what it got on RottenTomatoes and was pleasantly surprised to find out it received 74%. This resulted in a renting. An ensemble cast like that had to at least be interesting.

The film is made up of several vignettes with simplistic titles like 'The Stranger,' 'The Mother,' 'The Dead Girl.' Each vignette varies greatly in interest (often connected to the acting talent of the main players), although all are disturbing in there own way. In the same vein as Robert Altman's Short Cuts and P.T. Anderson's Magnolia, each seemingly unrelated story ends up being related, in some way or another, to the discovery of the body of a dead girl. I definitely can't say that all parts of the film are worth watching, but some definitely are (particularly the section with Rose Byrne).

Writer/director Karen Moncrieff doesn't have much experience writing or directing (to date, she's stuck mostly with TV, including directing an episode of Six Feet Under). But still there's something to her direction, the film definitely has some shining moments. The Dead Girl failed to achieve it's lofty ambitions (I'm pretty sure the limited release on December 29th meant she had award season dreams), but deserves respect for it's attempt at originality.

Rottentomatoes: 74% - Cream of the Crop: 63%

Rated R for language, grisly images and sexuality/nudity.

Lit Flicks Challenge from TheBluestockings.com

2008-08-14T20:51:00.002-06:00

My sister has a ridiculously well run book review blog at thebluestockings.com. She's created a bitchin' challenge/blog festival that you should all participate in. Since she reviews books and I review film, we decided to collaborate and review the following subjects: books made into film, films made into books, film about books, books about film...really any subject that combines literature and film, hence the title of the challenge 'Lit Flicks.' And we want you to participate!

Check out all the information here. There you'll find all the rules and regulations, as well as information about how to get in on all the giveaways and activities we'll be hosting from now until Oscar month (February).

Movie Madness!

2008-08-12T20:16:00.007-06:00

My good blogging buddy Jen is hosting Movie Madness at her site http://www.dailymishmash.com/. Go over there, check it out and participate in the celebration of movies!

And don't forget I'm moving my movie reviews to my very own domain name. Check it out at http://www.bitchinfilmreviews.com/.

Brideshead Revisited

2008-08-10T23:30:00.006-06:00

It's difficult to compare this movie to the novel it's based off of when I've never read it. But if the film is similar to the book, I think that I'll probably pass on it (no offense to Evelyn Waugh). There is so much content shoved into this 1 hour and 40 minute film, I never really quite understood what direction Julian Jarrold wanted to go.

The first third of the film was incestuously and erotically charged (a la The Dreamers by Bernardo Bertolucci). The story follows Charles Ryder (Matthew Goode) as he begins his studies at Oxford. While there, he becomes friends with the flaming homosexual Sebastian (played ever so creepily by Ben Whishaw), who happens to be royalty, and the son of Lady Marchmain (the wickedly talented Emma Thompson who may have, with this performance, joined the ranks of royal British actresses like Judi Dench and Helen Mirren). Sebastian has a sister, Julia (Hayley Atwell). Between the two siblings is something odd, and disturbing. While Ryder experiments with Sebastian, he also becomes involved with Julia. And it's really really weird.

Then the movie quickly changes pace (don't take this to mean the pacing is quick, it's not, it's very very slow). It's as if Evelyn Waugh decided to stop writing about homoerotic skinny dipping in the estate's pond, and decides to pontificate on her feelings about the church... You see, Ryder is an atheist (no, not agnostic which would be more acceptable, but atheist) who is living in sin with a man, but wants to marry Julia, which Lady Marchmain, the extremely pious and self-righteous Catholic simply can't put up with.

As the rest of the plot unfolds, the piousness of Lady Marchmain and her children's fear of disappointing her ruin life after life, and there's sub-plot after sub-plot that just sort of loses the viewer. Is this about sex (can it really be about sex with a PG-13 rating)? Is it about the evils of the Church of England and Catholicism? Is it about something deeper? I can't tell!

It's not that the movie isn't beautiful. Filming locations are remarkable, giving it such a grandiose, and beautiful feel, that you can't help but be transported back into that time. The real pride of the film is in the acting. Emma Thompson (as mentioned before) steals the show and every scene she's in. The younger actors shine as well. Matthew Goode, who has shown us his talents in bigger films like Woody Allen's Match Point, and lesser known indies like The Lookout, proves he can carry a film as the leading man.

While this movie isn't fantastic, I'd suggest a viewing, given the fact the pickin's are kind of slim right now. Maybe Waugh fans will catch lots of meaning that I managed to miss. Do watch the trailer though, it's great!

Rottentomatoes: 68% - Cream of the Crop: 69%

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

2008-08-07T13:37:00.002-06:00

This movie blows. I'm embarassed I paid $8.25 to see it. I'm embarassed I invited a good friend, and my brother-in-law. Admittedly, we went for the sole purpose of poking fun, but nevertheless... I'm embarassed for Brendan Fraiser and Jet Li's CGI-ed face that morphs into a three headed dragon, and even more embarassed for the yetis representing Jesus taking mortally wounded Fraiser to a pool of magical water where a bath (or baptism-you say tomato, I say toe-mah-toe) saves his life.

The most entertaining part of this movie is that people actually don't understand why Rachel Weisz didn't reprise her role for this third installment. Hahahhahahahahahah.

Don't go see this movie. Go see Mamma Mia, or that movie about girls that share pants.

Rottentomatoes: 9% - Cream of the Crop: 10%

James Taylor

2008-08-07T01:27:00.007-06:00

In a rare deviation from the usual pedantic ramblings about films no one really cares about, I'm going to mix this blog up.

I'm not sure how to review concerts. I don't know much about music unless it's obscure Canadian post-rock bands, or misunderstood Icelandic geniuses.

What I do know, is that the James Taylor concert on Monday was bitchin'. Cindy gave me an early birthday present and we witnessed the musical deity play for a hearty two and a half hours at the outdoor Amphitheater in Kaysville. Never have I been so entertained by a 60 year old man scatting blues songs making jokes just like my dad ('...I was abroad for a year. Wait, that didn't come out right...). Plus, hearing the music I grew up on live was more meaningful than even the Celine Dion concert I attended last year (and she even sang 'My Heart Will Go On').

All this magic was preceded by a wickedly delicious (okay, not delicious, but hilarious) and entertaining dinner at Hooter's (please visit our local Hooters on the corner of State St. and 7200 S. in Salt Lake, business seemed a little slow).

What a bitchin' night.

The Beat My Heart Skipped

2008-08-01T01:39:00.009-06:00

France's 2005 thriller De Battre Mon Coeur s'est Arrete (The Beat My Heart Skipped) is one of those movies you just shouldn't miss. It's a shame that subtitles will scare away so many from such a fantastic film.

Based on the book by Tonino Benacquista, directed by Parisian Jacques Audiard, this movie seems to come out of nowhere and grab you by the balls. The first time I saw this movie was in 2005, the year it was released, but a recent re-viewing reminded me of just how bitchin' Heart is.

The plot follows our protagonist Thomas Seyr, as he follows in his bastard of a father's footsteps making money in shady real estate deals. Some may term these deals 'criminal,' but hey, this is France, they let 12 year-olds drink and smoke. It becomes clear he has a history of studying the piano (obviously due to his deceased mother) and an opportunity presents itself to 27 year-old Tom to take up the piano again, possibly to a professional level, or continue on his current path of crime.

His father (who makes Tom often do his dirty work) manipulates his son into believing he must choose between music and family. The occasional shitty best friend and love interest make appearances and play their parts as well. The plot may sound simple enough, but Audiard is to directing what Thom Yorke is to post-rock. Audiard makes this movie so compelling you can't take your eyes off the damn screen, and you won't want to either. All performance are first-rate, making some scenes pretty difficult to watch because they're so believable (lead Romain Duris is freakishly gifted).

The cinematography is brilliant, the camera movements, angles, the images captured in each shot make on-screen poetry. All this is coupled with one of my favorite soundtracks ever. It's a masterful score that puts the icing on the cake, mixing classical ranging from Rachmaninoff and Brahms to Bloc Party to Telepopmusik's 'Breathe,' creating a feel and atmosphere you won't be able to forget. Tom reminds us in the film, 'it's not about making money, it's about art.' And Audiard never forgot that.

While the film's not rated, be prepared for some...adult elements. No nudity (sorry pervs), but language and violence would probably warrant an R rating from Fascist censor Nazis at the MPAA.

Rottentomatoes: 85% - Cream of the Crop: 78%

Finding a decent quality trailer for this film on YouTube was kind of hard. So I posted a couple, one in French that I think has better editing, one with writing at least in English (you can pretend it's that deep voiced guy that says stuff like, 'In a world, where nothing else matters...), and one where a guy put a bunch of the film's scenes to a Radiohead song that I liked. So, enjoy!

Blindness

2008-07-29T19:00:00.002-06:00

Going to see X-Piles wasn't a complete waste of time. Well, the 100 minutes of tense music, enthusiastic Mulder and perpetually skeptical Scully was a waste of time, but the trailers before hand provided some very interesting prospects for the near future. Of which the most promising is Blindness.

This movie seems to have everything going for it. Literally, everything. It's directed by Fernando Meirelles. The man we can thank for the near perfect City of God, and the 2006 Oscar favorite The Constant Gardner. This Academy Award nominated director knows his stuff, if you don't believe me, watch either of the two previously mentioned movies, give me a call, and I'll say I told you so.

Blindness is based on the book of the same name, written by Portuguese Nobel Prize winner Jose Saramago, the plot follows a city wide epidemic causing blindness in 90% of the population. The city's ultimate and immediate goal becomes containment of the infection. Those afflicted are quarantined to an abandoned mental hospital, where they are left with meager food rations and no contact with the outside world. Left completely to their own devices, a sightless, savage society is formed based on greed and brutality. Power is left in the hands of those that control food and supplies. Left to their own devices, this 'society' quickly devolves and loses it's humanity (a la Lord of the Flies).

The cast offers an endless supply of some of the most talented actors in Hollywood today. The Julianne Moore (Magnolia, Boogie Nights, Children of Men) plays the wife of a Mark Ruffalo (Zodiac, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) who's infected. She follows him to the quarantined hospital, keeping her sight a secret while leading/protecting the underdogs. The film also stars the wickedly talented Gail Garcia Bernal (The King, Babel), Sandra Oh (Hard Candy, Sideways), Danny Glover and scores more. Check out the full cast here.

Blindness is set to be released September 26th and while it's not yet rated, if it stays true to Saramago's novel, it will most likely be rated R. Check out the official movie site at blindness-themovie.com.

Check out the following trailers and teasers as well (some of which feature the ridiculously awesome original score to Danny Boyle's Sunshine).

Official Trailer #2

Official Trailer #1

Teaser Scene 1

X-Piles: I Just Didn't Believe

2008-07-28T17:31:00.004-06:00

It's hard to review a film you completely didn't care about in the first place. I never watched the TV series, and I think I caught about 85% of the first film on TBS. If truth be told, I only watched this movie because I had a short window of time that needed to be filled and neither Mamma Mia! nor Space Chimps had times that fit my schedule.

Director Chis Carter brings us this second feature length installment in the X-Files (and final hopefully?). Both Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny reprise their roles and Scully and Mulder. After the four year hiatus, the sexual chemistry between the two is still as strong as ever (why can't they just be together?), and their performances never miss a beat. They share exactly one on-screen kiss in I Want To Believe and one awkwardly filmed scene that shows the two in bed (not too much is shown...Scully was just not in the mood)

The boring part of this film is that even though some slightly mysterious events lure the two out of retirement, their involvement in the case doesn't advance the investigation at all. The film gets really creepy when, get this, the pedophile psychic leading FBI teams to frozen, severed limbs hidden in the Virginian wilderness starts to cry BLOOD! It's sooo weird. Can't you hear the theme music now?

Two thirds of the way through the movie, all creepiness comes to a screeching halt, and Carter apparently started taking his cues from made-for-TV movies and it's difficult to stay focused for the remaining 20 minutes or so.

Granted, I don't know enough about X-Files to say whether or not the cult following will enjoy this or not, but I can pretty much guarantee the average viewer will be somewhere in between bored and underwhelmed when viewing this movie.

Rated PG-13 for violent and disturbing content and thematic material.

Rottentomatoes: 35% - Cream of the Crop: 27%

Tuesday's Meme...about Film!

2008-07-22T20:41:00.004-06:00

This is NOT a MySpace survey, or anything similar. This is simply a number of questions that will help you understand my movie choices and reviews. Any resemblance to a networking website chain-mail survey is purely coincidental.

Name a movie you’ve been meaning to see forever: The Graduate is definitely one I've been meaning to check out. But I'm always attracted to the the outer wall at Blockbuster with all the seductive new releases...I'm also working to view the entire works of Stanley Kubrick, and Andrei Tarkovsky (but I need to take both of these directors in small installments).

Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe: That tux that James McAvoy wears in Atonement was dope. I'd only to get use it when I'm invited to upper-class meals in 1930s England, but still....

Your favorite film franchise is: The non-pretentious answer is probably James Bond. I was a fan of the Pierce Brosnan dynasty, but the new Daniel Craig era has ushered in a sexier, more orgasmic reign of Bond that keeps me coming back for more. It also helps that the first 'new' Bond girl was the goddess Eva Green. The pretentious answer is Lars Von Trier's "Golden Heart" trilogy in which the heroines remain naïve despite their actions (the trillogy includes Bjork's Dancer in the Dark,

Invite five (living) movie people over for dinner. Who are they? And Why would you invite them?

Angelina Jolie - Mostly because I'd like to discuss the living conditions of refugees, her work as a Goodwill Ambassador for the UN, and to ogle her.

Edward Norton - Because he's brilliant, and most like the most talented actor in Hollywood right now (Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't count as part of the 'Hollywood crowd' because he's so pretentious). His movie choices have never failed to disappointment, although I haven't seen the Woody Allen musical he starred in in the early ninties...

Noah Baumbach - The Squid and the Whale and Margot at the Wedding spoke to me more than most recent contemporary films. He's got a terrific voice.

Sophia Coppola - Her films The Virgin Suicides, Lost in Translation capture something completely unique in my opinion, and picking her brain would be terrifically interesting. Also, embarassingly enough, I thoroughly enjoyed Marie Antoinette (but don't tell anyone I know).

And Lastly...Paul Thomas Anderson - Someone with the ability to masterfully direct films ranging from Boogie Nights, Magnolia (one of the best movies ever), Punch Drunk Love, and There Will Be Blood, must have some sort of impressive genius that I would love to discuss.

What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? There is no appropriate punishment. These people shouldn't be allowed to visit that theater for a very extended period of time after this infraction. They should also have some sort of fine imposed on them that is roughly equal to 3 days pay. For a college student, that's like $60 bucks, for Bill Gates, it's probably $6,000,000 bucks. People in all tax brackets should be equally afraid to disrupt my moving going experience.

Choose a female bodyguard: Carrie Anne Moss. Did you see her in action in her bitchin' leather suit in The Matrix? She frightens me, and turns me on, it's the perfect mix.

What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen in a movie? Remember the scene in Se7en when they cover the 'Lust' scene? You can see the clip here, it's kind of bad quality, but not too graphic. The patron of the prostitute was forced to kill her in a ridiculously awful away. The actor who plays the unfortunate patron forced into murder deserved award nominations for his convincing portrayal of a man who's lost his mind because of what he was forced to do. That scene will stay with me 'til the day I die. The last time I saw that film (2003) it messed me up, and messed me up real good. Second would be the amount of claustrophobic, edge-of-your-seat intensity I felt throughout the entire film The Descent. That movie is really, really scary.

Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" because that doesn't even count as film): Drama would be hands down. The complexities of realistic human drama provide more than just entertainment, but an insight to society, and sucks the viewer into a world outside of their own. And THAT is what makes great film.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-20T15:56:00.007-06:00

I will no longer be posting here at blogspot. But come and see me at my new place over at www.bitchinfilmreviews.com, and update your feeds to http://bitchinfilmreviews.com/?feed=rss2. Thanks!

There’s not really much left to say about ‘The Dark Knight.’ It was a fantastic film. But everybody knows that. One visit to TDK Rottentomatoes page will reveal critic after critic falling all over themselves to praise this film almost to no end, calling it a classic, comparing it to Scorsese’s ‘The Departed, and De Palma’s ‘The Untouchables,’ and giving it Oscar buzz like the year was already over and we already knew what the holiday season will bring.

I enjoyed the film, a lot. I’ll probably go see it again. Heath Ledger was haunting and brilliant in his performance, the action was endlessly entertaining (the more elaborate scenes were filmed in IMAX). But I left the theater feeling slightly underwhelmed. This isn’t Christopher Nolan’s fault, who deserves such high praise for reminding us that high-budgeted, big studio movies can be more than just mindless drivel. It wasn’t the actors’ fault (the cast was stellar; let’s thanks the folks with Scientology who mind-controlled Tom Cruise into forbidding Katie Holmes from reprising her roll as Rachel, Maggie Gyllenhaal is a better actor than Holmes will ever be.). But I daresay it was the fault of the studio who previewed this film so much to critics, so far in advance, that I’ve been expecting a damn near perfect film since mid-June.

The studio really couldn’t care about this side effects of building such rapport. They already have their great reviews, they already have (according to early estimations) the highest grossing opening weekend of all time. So no one was really hurt I suppose.

I’ve had a few such experiences, when a movie is built up so much that I feel a little let down (I know someone who is definitely not me who was underwhelmed upon his first viewing of ‘The Godfather’ due to this very reason).

Of course, all this media fanfare about the movie doesn’t make the movie itself any less well made. The two and a half hours literally flies by as you’re mesmerized by Aaron Eckhart as Two Face, Michael Caine as Alfred, the twisted love triangle between Harvey Dent, Bruce and Rachel, and all the other goodies that Nolan used to weave this masterful web. My one other qualm with TDK is this: Where’s Christian Bale? It’s granted that this was Heath Ledger’s moment to shine (even more so with this being his last performance) but Bale is wicked talented, and definitely needed more screen time. He’s the reason ‘Batman Begins’ was so revitalizing for the franchise, he should have been given more opportunity to show his acting chops.

Rottentomatoes: 94% - Cream of the Crop: 90%

Hancock..

2008-07-18T13:34:00.004-06:00

Now, I know a lot of people really like Will Smith. Who wouldn’t, with mega rap hits like ‘Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It,’ and fan pleasing blockbusters like ’MIB 2.’ But it seems to me that he has a bit of a Messiah complex. And his big studio cronies will pretty much do whatever he wants because a movie starring Will Smith has like, a 50% percent chance of being in the top 100 high grossing films ever (see: I Am Legend, Men in Black, Independence Day, etc., etc.).

Hancock seems to be just an excuse to let a Smith be Superman. Another movie where he saves the world! But not the Superman we all know, this is the BET version, complete with horrible one-liners and everything! Remember on the trailer where the little kid tries to alert Hancock to the bad guys, and he responds, ‘Whatchu wan? A cookie?’ That’s about as good as the scriptwriting gets…sorry Smith fans.

Hancock is directed by Peter Berg (the guy you can thank for bitchin' hits like 'Smokin' Aces' and 'Corky Romano'). Even coupling the actions scenes with chart topping hits like, ‘Move bitch, get out the way’ fail to bring any sort of emotion to the viewer. Now, not everything was so bad, Jason Bateman plays Ray, the guy without character flaws who just wants to save the world and believes so much in Hancock that he uses his PR skills to change out Los Angeles sees him (I’m not sure why though, the sober Hancock is even less fun than drunk Hancock. His comedic timing is spot on, just like all his other endeavors (bring back Arrested Development!) .

Charlize Theron plays Ray’s wife Mary, who spends a lot of time gazing at Hancock with a worried look…might she have something to hide?! We all know she has the chops to deliver a solid performance, but maybe she was as bored with the script as I was and played Mary with such lackluster, I was actually entertained at how little she seemed to care.

There are some plot developments, twists we’ll call them (although they’re not really interesting enough to be called twists, more like little bends in the plot line) that aren’t completely obvious, but aren’t really engaging either. If you’re dead set on watching this movie as most Smith fans will be, see this while it’s still in theaters, I shudder to think how even more deeply underwhelming it will be on your 32′ TV.

Rottentomatoes: 37% - Cream of the Crop: 38%

Remember: I'm moving my blog to www.bitchinfilmreviews.com, so go over there! And change your links or bookmarks. Thanks!

I'm Back

2008-07-14T17:00:00.002-06:00

After a brief hiatus, I'm back in the blogosphere. I had surgery last week and chose to not try and write anything coherent while under the influence of various drugs meant to ease my pain.

Also, I've started a website outside of the world of blogspot. It's definitely a work in progress, but I'm going to post my reviews there as well as here for a while. Check it out if you get a chance: http://bitchinfilmreviews.com.

WALL-E

2008-07-14T16:58:00.003-06:00

God knows I really wish I remember watching this film. As it were, I can't remember very well since I had just had surgery and was enjoying (perhaps a little too much) my oxycodone prescription when I saw 'WALL-E.'

Maybe it's for the best as I'm usually a naysayer when it comes to animated films. I didn't so much enjoy 'Toy Story' or 'Monsters Inc.' I did like 'The Incredibles' a whole lot. That movie was great. It's this hit-and-miss record that made me nervous to pay money to see PIXAR's latest.

I do remember enjoying myself. I remember vague references to 'E.T.' and Kubrick's '2001: A Space Odyssey.' I also remember a whole lot of fat humans. Even through my hazy, pain-killer high, I saw the ruthless satire of an indulgent society bent on ruining earth in favor of watching some sort of screen (tv, computer, iPod, etc.). Had I not been so relaxed, I probably would have been annoyed at PIXAR judging me, but at the time it seemed fitting, deserved, and terrifically entetaining. I remember laughing at WALL-E and his comical adventure that eventually returns all the fatso humans back to earth to clean up the mess they left.

So, yeah. I probably wouldn't have enjoyed this movie without my Percocet, but it was vastly entertaining. You haven't been this endeared by a robot since...ever.

From the Library: Enduring Love

2008-07-04T05:59:00.008-06:00

Occasionally I will be reviewing films from my DVD library. This--is the first.

'Enduring Love' is one of those movies that will stay with you long after the credits finish rolling. This is in large part thanks, no doubt, to Ian McEwan, the author of the book from which this film is adapted. Anyone familiar with McEwan's work recognizes the power of his written word. His book 'Atonement' also inspired the 2007 Oscar contender. Scriptwriter Joe Penhall (who wrote the script for this fall's much anticipated 'The Road) is credited with 'Enduring Love's' adaptation.

'Love' is directed by Roger Michell (The Mother, Notting Hill) and was released in 2004. He wastes no time showing is talent at creating raw energy and suspense. In the first scene of the film, a quiet meadow is disturbed by a hot air balloon with two passengers ripping through out of control. The only witnesses (including Joe, played by Daniel Craig, and Jed, played by Rhys Ifan) rush to the aid of these two, attempting to pull the balloon down to safety. Just as the task is almost accomplished, a burst of air takes sends the balloon airborne again. The group of men hanging on to the basket hang on as long as they can, but each drops to the ground as they raise higher and higher. All, except one man, who clings on as they float higher and higher. Eventually he drops from a terrific height to a gruesome death.

It's from this magnificently shot scene that the movie starts its story line. You see, Jed feels that he and Joe share an intense, personal, and erotic bond having shared this horrible experience. He quickly shows signs of obsession, showing up in Joe's life in all the strangest places. He insinuates himself deeper and deeper into Joe's life, bit by bit, showing up at odd moments and then shadowing him with a persistent desperation Joe cannot understand or escape.

The film is shot beautifully. It's worth the price of a rental if only for the opening sequence. Daniel Craig performs solidly along side Bill Nighy (who, despite his small role, can't help but steal the scenes he's in) Joe's girlfriend Claire, played by Samantha Morton, is just as entertaining to watch. However, none of these performances compare to the disturbing portrayal of Jed by Rhys Ifan. It's been a long time since I've been so creeped out by character in a film. The subtleties of his performance will haunt you.

Admittedly, the film loses control of itself as it goes along. It seems that during the last 20 minutes, somebody decided to just stop trying and resort to a level that insults the intelligence of the rest of the film. All in all, the film has some strikingly beautiful moments and certainly deserves at least one viewing.

Rated R for language, some violence and a disturbing image.

Rottentomatoes: 59% -- Cream of the Crop: 58%

The Visitor

2008-07-02T11:28:00.006-06:00

It's difficult to summarize 'The Visitor.' When you say it's about a lonely college professor learning to play the drums, it sounds like lame. When you say it's about immigrants and their plight, it sounds lame. Yet 'The Visitor' is anything but lame.

This film is written and directed by 'The Wire's' Thomas McCarthy, and despite his inexperience in directing, this film will move you. The story follows widow Professor Walter Vale (Richard Jenkins) as he ventures into Manhattan to his rarely used apartment to attend a conference there. When he gets to his apartment, he finds that a young couple (who happen to be illegal immigrants) has been living there without his knowledge for a few months. Vale allows the young couple to stay at his place and consequently gets involved with their immigrationn and deportation issues (damn the ICE!).

Now usually, heartfelt, human-rights-message movies put me to sleep. They usually are so preachy, it's like being hit in the head over and over for the entire length of the movie. With 'The Visitor,' it's not so much that way. Instead of shouting his cause from the rooftops, McCarthy chose to let human interactions tell the story. The characters are flawed, but decent people, people you could seeing living next door to you, people you could see yourself being friends with. And because McCarthy let's the characters' action speak for them, you will actually become emotionally involved with their plight.

Both the acting and direction are of award caliber. Richard Jenkins deserves a special mention here. You've probably seen him before, his IMDB page is very impressive (my favorite is his role as the cynical, dead father on HBO's Six Feet Under). But he performance in 'The Visitor' is eerily good. Even though this only his sophomore effort, McCarthy shows a maturity that lead you to believe he's spent a lifetime behind the camera. 'The Visitor' will leave you wanting to see more from this promising director.

Rated PG-13 for brief strong language.

Rottentomatoes: 92% -- Top Critics: 96%

Click here to find out from Fandango if 'The Visitor' is playing near you.

My Blueberry Nights

2008-07-01T05:16:00.006-06:00

Released today on DVD is the film, 'My Blueberry Nights.' This is the first feature length English-feature film of Chinese director Kar Wai Wong. The film begins by quickly introducing us to Elizabeth (Norah Jones), our quiet, soul-searching protagonist and her cheating boyfriend. Jaded by the city that served as the backdrop of her boyfriend's betrayal, she leaves on a country-wide journey searching for...well, that's not really clear (and not really that interesting).

Her quest brings her into contact with various interesting encounters and people, including restaurant worker/love interest Jeremy (Jude Law), lonely and angry wife-of-an-alcoholic (Rachel, Weisz), and a gambling addict with daddy issues (Natalie Portman).

While the adjectives sure sound interesting, the story isn't so much. It seems that Wong tries to make up for this fact by using all sorts of unusual camera effects, such as blurred vision, overexposure, and slow motion that apparently is meant to add to atmosphere.

Despite these shortcomings, the cast is able to shine. The performances of Weisz, Law, Portman and even Norah Jones (for whom this is her film debut) are above par and allow you to forget that the story isn't that interesting.

Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material including violence, drinking and smoking.

Rottentomatoes score: 47%, with Top critics: 30%

Reprise

2008-06-30T00:30:00.000-06:00

Nothing sounds more tedious than listening to an aspiring artist tell the story of trying to make it in the world as an artist. This was the purpose that drove Joachim Trier to create this clever and poignant film, 'Reprise.' The film follows two best friends Phillip and Erik as they submit their novels to be published. One's is accepted by a publisher, one is not. And each is left to face with the consequences of celebrity, or lack thereof.

Knowing the pretenses of the film, my expectations were not high at all. Not to mention I'm hesitant of Scandinavian films altogether (the film and it's director are Norwegian) thanks to Lars Von Trier (Dancer in the Dark). But I was quickly impressed by the style of Joachim and the quick pace 'Reprise.' If I had to relate him to a more mainstream director, I'd call him a pessimistic Wes Anderson. Trier deftly uses ironic narration, flashbacks and fantasy scenes to develop characters in a similar way to Anderson.

Joachim co-wrote the film as well as directed. The writing doesn't waste words. It's fresh and concise and never fails to impress albeit sometimes unapologetically misogynistic. At one point, one of the characters calls women “under-stimulated, bourgeois retards” who can only distract the anointed, august men from their lofty projects of ambition, if not literature. That noted, women in the film play an equally important part as our male protagonists.

The film doesn't exactly break new ground, but it's thoroughly enjoyable, quick-paced and will actually inspire a little introspection.

Playing at the Broadway Centre Cinemas.
Filmed in Norwegian with Subtitles.

Rottentomatoes score: 89%

Mongol

2008-06-29T03:05:00.005-06:00

Bring your appetite for graphic war violence when you watch Sergei Bodrov's latest epic 'Mongol.' The movie is the first of a trilogy that follows Genghis Khan from his birth in 1192AD 'til his death. This first installment follows partly history, and partly fable and explains how Genghis rose to power. The film supposedly follows the most respected scholarly accounts of the Khan's life.

'Mongol' was Kazakhstan's official entry in the Best Foreign Film catagory for 2007and won a nomination. The scope of the film is so wide, that some of the war scenes required 1500 horses and riders. Several of the locations where the film was shot were so remote, that the crew had to build roads in order to access them. Bodrov's insistence on such extravagances paid off. The cinematography is breathtaking. Rogier Stoffers (Bad News Bears) and Sergei Trofimov (Night Watch, Day Watch) deftly take control of the camera and make on-screen poetry with shots that will blow you away.

Bodrov shows Genghis (known as a youth as Tedmujin) in a different light than how he's usually perceived today. The film shows Genghis almost as a philanthropist, and dedicated family man. This first film follows closely the love affair between the soon-to-be ruler and the love of his life and father of his children. Believe what you will about the larger than life character from history, but 'Mongol' is quality escapism: an exotic saga that compels, moves and envelops us with its grand and captivating story.

Playing at Broadway Centre Cinemas.
The film is in Mongolian and subtitled.

Rottentomatoes score: 88%

Taking a Quick Break

2008-06-28T01:31:00.004-06:00

I only watched one movie today, and it was so boring I didn't even finish it (sorry 'Life Aquatic' fans, it's just not that good of a film).

So I'm taking a break to show you this little video clip masterpiece. In response to the Radiohead contest of remixing one of their latest singles, 'Nude,' one of the contestants made this video. Be sure to watch the whole thing, it takes a while to really get going.

Big Ideas (don't get any) from James Houston on Vimeo.
According to the creator, he only 'grouped together a collection of old redundant hardware, and placed them in a situation where they're trying their best to do something that they're not exactly designed to do, and not quite getting there.'

Each part of the song is performed by the following hardware:

Sinclair ZX Spectrum - Guitars (rhythm & lead)
Epson LX-81 Dot Matrix Printer - Drums
HP Scanjet 3c - Bass Guitar
Hard Drive array - Act as a collection of bad speakers - Vocals & FX

I feel so uncreative and boring after watching something like this.

Tomorrow I'm going to Salt Lake to watch Sergei Bodrov's new film, 'Mongol.' Review to follow.

Wanted

2008-06-26T22:47:00.014-06:00

Who wouldn't want to belong to a secret fraternity of assassins where Angelina Jolie is your personal mentor? That sentence alone explains why this movie will be a huge success. It's every man's wet dream.

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov, this film is his Hollywood debut. Born in Kazahkstan, he directed the wildly popular films 'Night Watch' and 'Day Watch' in Russia. Wildly popular, only in Russia that is. As 'Wanted' started I was reminded of Bekmambetov's distinct style from the Watch movies. It was then that I got a sinking feeling in my stomach, worried that this was going to be as fragmented, unbelievable and incomprehensible as his previous two successes. But as the film went on, I realized that with the a whole lot of Hollywood money and some A-list actors, a director's talent can really shine.

The film takes no time getting started with an opening scene that will glue you to the edge of your seat. The body count starts from the first minute of the film and grows quickly and steadily, so be prepared for some graphic violence.. The special effects are wickedly impressive. Even though the trailer made 'Wanted' look like a rip-off of 'The Matrix,' it's not, and you'll be impressed and left wondering, 'how'd they do that?'

James McAvoy plays Wesley Gibson and is a little out of his element it seems after 'Atonement' and 'The Last King of Scotland,' (we'll overlook that whole 'Penelope' thing) but it's obvious he's knows what he's doing and delivers a bitchin' performance. Angelina brought her A game and sizzles as the sexy Fox, Wesley's assassin mentor. The sexual chemistry is palpable and climaxes in one of the most most erotically charged kissing scenes to which I've ever had the opportunity to be a part of.

The action is non-stop and you'll never get bored. This movie is eye candy for action junkies everywhere. My every expectation was met.

Rottentomatoes score: 73%

In Bruges

2008-06-26T01:35:00.009-06:00

Out on DVD this week is 'In Bruges.' It was selected as the opening night film at this year's Sundance Film Festival, and rightfully so. It's wicked dark, and deliciously funny. The film follows two hitman, Ken and Ray, as they hide out in the medieval town of Bruges after a hit. Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes give outstanding performances.

The film is directed and written by Martin Donagh and is his directorial debut. His writing is fantastic, as it's to be expected since he's a Tony award-winning playwright. Even though he's award-winning, the language is pretty rough. Hilarious, but rough (the 'f-word' and it's derivatives are heard an average of 1.18 times a minute in this 107 film). Check out some of the more memorable quotes here. I'd type some of them here, but rumor has it my mom frequents this blog every once in a while. Plus, we all know Big Brother is always watching. Be warned though, the memorable quotes page would definitely be rated R if those hypocritical blowhards at the MPAA had anything to say about it. While the film, is hilarious, it's also pretty tragic and deals with some dark issues (i.e. child murder, suicide, drug use, the belittling of midgets). Don't let that deter you, just be prepared.

Rottentomatoes score: 79%

The Fall

2008-06-25T01:27:00.012-06:00

Tarsem Singh finally released his 2nd movie, and it's now showing at the Broadway Theater in Salt Lake. His first film, 'The Cell,' starred Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vauhn (that just sounds like a recipe for mind-numbing failure) and was released in 2000. Admittedly, I've never seen 'The Cell,' but it met with mediocre reviews.

'The Fall' was released May 9th, after 4 years of filming and 2 years of sitting on the shelf waiting for...I don't what for. A distributor? The main complaint of critics of 'The Fall' (and of 'The Cell') is it's fragmented and/or shallow plot. I'd have to agree slightly with this assessment, but also I think, who cares? This is one of the most visually stunning movies I've ever seen. And I think this was Tarsem's point.

It was filmed over 4 years, spanning 18 countries. Tarsem wrote and directed the movie, as well as paid for it out-of-pocket. Filmed in such magnificent places as Istanbul's Hagia Sophia, the look is pure beauty. Tarsem insists there are no special effects in the film, that all the remarkable is scenery looks just as it's shown. This is truly a feat of location scouting. Remember how visually stunning '300' was? Picture that, multiplied by 15, but without the special effects or depending on graphic violence and spattering blood to fill the voids. The acting left a little to be desired, but did I mention it was visually stunning? So much so, you can forgive all the other shortfalls. Catinca Untaru plays the cute, young, Romanian immigrant and steals the show with her acting abilities. More impressive still, is that she doesn't speak English and memorized the way her lines sound, but didn't understand what she was saying.

One critic said, sure it's beautiful, but a coffee table picture book would have served the same purpose. This is simply not true. Yes, focus was centered around how the film looked, but Tarsem knows how to pull at emotional heart strings, couple dramatic scenes with dramatic music, as well as keep a little humor in the picture. Fortunately, some of the right people liked the movie. Included in these are David Fincher and Spike Jonze who use their names to endorse the film in the beginning. They might be the soul reason this movie is released in theaters at all. Fincher described his impression of the film as being, "what would've happened if Andrei Tarkovsky had made The Wizard of Oz." I'm sure he meant that as a compliment, but if you've seen a Tarkovsky film...well, I promise this movie isn't as boring as hell.

While it's rated R, there's no nudity at all (just a few men in loin cloths) and no profanity. With the exception of a moist bundle of flayed corpses, the film’s mild fantasy violence scarcely warrants so restrictive a rating.

Check out seven other clips of the film here.

Rottentomatoes score: 53%

Oranges

2008-06-24T03:04:00.002-06:00

How the hell am I supposed to eat oranges for breakfast when the combination of citrus and toothpaste tastes like an infant threw up in my mouth? This seems too cruel a joke.

Reason To Not Have Kids, #1

2008-06-24T02:43:00.006-06:00

Have you ever seen that show, 'Tom and Kate Plus 8?' Is it just me or do those two hate each other and resent their children? They never look into each others' eyes, and each confessional segment seems like a bout of stinging jabs and low blows about the other's parenting style. That's a feeling I could conceivably understand, resentment. I have a few friends that have been tricked into an early bird marriage by an untimely impregnation of their girlfriends. But, that poor Jon guy. First twins, and then without warning a litter of like, 14 or something? Watching that show set my having kids back about 30 years.

Tired Old Tricks

2008-06-23T04:41:00.010-06:00

Do you know what plot device is really getting old?

A small group of people does something bad for personal gain.

Pressure or guilt only torments one of the group.

That person brings the whole group down by turning themselves in.

Come on. What's the fun of watching a movie like that, hoping the group can get away with their devious little scheme when you can always spot that guy. That guy, the one with the melancholy face, maybe he sweats or talks to himself. He just can't enjoy in the things everyone else can. And instead of doing the decent thing and offing himself so the others can enjoy it, he won't be happy 'til they're all in jail, or offer up some other sort of penance.

This pattern has been noted in several movies I've watched recently. These include Woody Allen's 'Cassandra's Dream,' and Danny Boyle's 'Shallow Grave.' At least I hope this happens in 'Shallow Grave' because I'm half way through it and it already seems kind of predictable. Fortunately, if I'm wrong, I can go back and delete this part of the blog.

Speaking of Danny Boyle. His movies are pretty much awesome. I haven't seen his entire body of work, but what I've seen is good movie making.

Works of note:

Now I'm no Sci-Fi fan. Not at all, but this movie is ridiculously good. Featuring stellar performances by Rose Byrne and Cillian Murphy, this film explores what could happen if the Sun started dying. The plot line sounds ridiculous, but Boyle really makes you believe it could happen. Be warned the last third of the movie gets a little out of hand. The onscreen imagery is art in and of its self. Boyle has announced he'll never return to the Sci-Fi genre which sucks, because he could truly convert me. Rottentomatoes score: 75%.

'28 Days Later' is truly the scariest zombie movie I've ever seen. This also stars Cillian Murphy. It's pretty darn graphic, but so worth it. You'll be terrified. But in the good way, like when you walk out to your car at night and think, 'maybe, just maybe there are zombies out there.' I know I've been posting a lot about zombies, I promise I'm not a horror freak. Rottentomatoes score: 88%. Oh, and if '28 Days Later' does it for you, check out '28 Weeks Later.' Boyle didn't direct, but he did a bunch of second production stuff to keep the terror just as awesome.

Unlike the first two, 'Millions' was the family-friendly, feel good movie of 2004. I know the term 'family-friendly' usually conjures up 'cutesy-poo animated features aimed squarely at the younger set,' but this isn't the case. It's rather unlike Boyle's more dense, and darker movies, but it's just as brilliant. The actors are relatively unknown, except for Daisy Donovan (remember that reality TV show 'Daisy Does America?'). It's charming and engaging, and you should give it a chance, even though it's PG. Rottentomatoes score: 88%.

Should you enjoy these movies, you should definitely check out his most critically acclaimed piece, 'Trainspotting.' And now that 'Shallow Grave' is over and delighted me with it's rebellion agains the formuliac, check it out too. In all cases except for 'Millions,' know that Boyle's movies definitely earn their R rating.

Disappointing Friday

2008-06-20T05:46:00.007-06:00

This is not a good week for movies. Not a good week at all.

So disappointing in fact, I don't really have a desire to write about it.

Only two movies open today in wide release. Steve Carrell's 'Get Smart' remake of the 1960s sitcom and Michael Meyer's 'The Love Guru.' Good lord.

'Get Smart' is getting pretty mediocre reviews. And based on that boring trailer and the rumored kiss between The Rock and Carrell, this movie is not worth seeing. If you care about this movie, you can prepare yourself by reading these reviews.

And...'The Love Guru.' 0% from rottentomato top critics. Not good. This is not good. The most entertaining part of this movie is reading Rafer Guzman rip it to shreds, and explain why if you like the movie, you're a gross 10 year old. Poor form, JT. Poor form, Jessica Alba.

There is hope for next week, a lot of hope:

The Underwhelming Hulk

2008-06-17T21:13:00.002-06:00

I saw 'The Incredible Hulk' last night...

It wasn't horrible. It wasn't terrific, it just was. The film surpassed my expectations of Leterrier's talent (yes, I was expecting to see something closer to 'The Transporter 3'). But the script failed to meet my expectations of Edward Norton's talents. It's annoying to wonder how much of the film was lost in the Norton/Leterrier/Marvel fued. Could it have been the movie that you can see just below the superficial surface of the movie? Leterrier says yes, and that the full movie will be available on the DVD.

Now I don't want to be too hard on the Hulk. It was great watching Norton perform. His knowing smile that seems to suggest he enjoys losing himself in the monster is wickedly entertaining. His co-star Liv Tyler is kind of a drag though. I'm not sure how she keeps getting this roles. Did you see 'The Strangers?' Bleh. At least they had some sexual chemistry. Which contributes to the funniest scene in the movie, as Bruce Banner is starting to get it on but has to stop mid-hump for fear of getting 'too excited.'

All things considered, I was entertained. I'm not a comic book fan, I had no previous allegience to the Hulk (only to Norton), but still, the chase scenes, the explosions, all good enough to watch at least once.

George A Romero's Diary of the Dead

2008-06-16T04:56:00.006-06:00

I'm not a huge horror fan. Freddy, Jason, little Asian girls that have weird eyes or come out of walls, they do nothing for me. I do however enjoy the few really well done horror movies that I've seen. These includes Neil Marshall's 'The Descent,' and Danny Boyle's '28 Days Later' to name a few. But even if you don't particularly like the genre, who can resist a zombie movie from the grandfather, nay, the god and creator of the zombie genre itself? George Romero released the fifth chapter of his Dead series, 'Diary of the Dead,' last year. You certainly don't have to be familiar with the Romero zombie cannon to enjoy this.

Filmed on an extremely modest budget of approximately $2,000,000, the film ran the festival circuit with showings at Sundance, Toronto, Vienna, and several others. Critics seem to like it. Rottentomatoes gives it a 61% approval rating, and a top critics rating of 67%. Those reviews are here. Respected critics such as Peter Travers of Rollingstone claim 'Diary' is a 'leader in the scare pack.' My first viewing of this film was at the Sundance Film Festival in January of this year. It's now available on DVD so I rented it to enjoy a second time. This time I saw the movie in a different light.

There are several aspects of the film that are excellent. For one, it's filmed gonzo style, like 'The Blair Witch Project,' or 'Cloverfield.' It's extremely effective in adding realism. The plot follows a group of film students as the dead start to wake up and attack the living. All shots are filmed with hand cams giving it the feel of a documentary. The students take a road trip from Pittsburgh to Pennsylvania where the majority of the group comes from. Unlike most zombie movies, there's no back story. No one tries to explain how the undead are walking the streets, they are just trying to live through this horrifying experience they don't understand. The actors are unknowns, unrecognizable which helps the realism as the viewer can see himself in the story.

But as the movie goes on, it gets more and more self-indulgent and preachy. Romero condemns those that are obsessed with filming and/or watching the suffering of other people. Clips of real world events are thrown in (Darfur, the Iraq War) to hit the point home and the dialogue frequently turns to how disgusting it is that one student refuses to set his camera down, even to help his super bitchy girlfriend when she's shaken up because her 13 year old undead brother attacks her. Those unaffected by the the zombie disease tie up the zombies and torture them for fun, and we hear the narrator do a voice over, 'are we worth saving? You tell me.' WE GET IT. Yeah, we like to film stuff, to watch people suffer, that's why I have CNN, MSNBC, MSNBC Headline News, FOX News and TMZ. That's why I spend hours surfing Youtube. As one of the character reminds us, 'For you, if it's not caught on film, it didn't happen.'

What happened to the subtle metaphor? Why does Romero feel like he has to spell it out for us? Look! They're torturing innocent zombies. Since those people represent us...we must be guilty too! Thanks Romero! I get it now. Youtube is evil and I should spend more time raising money for Rwanda.

Despite the tired political and social commentary, the movie does have it's flashes of ghoulish inspiration. The opening news sequence is down right disturbing. The run in with the deaf Amish man Samuel, who enjoys blowing up the oncoming zombies with his homemade dynamite is pure entertainment. There's a reason great writers and directors like Quentin Tarantino and Stephen King recognize Romero as a master, but this film isn't one of those reasons.

Tomorrow...in Theaters

2008-06-12T04:10:00.004-06:00

There are two movies opening tomorrow that deserve special mention. First is 'The Incredible Hulk.' Who can't help but be excited about the next film from the director of 'The Transporter,' and 'The transporter 2!' Louis Leterrier (did I mention he was French?) directed this second Hulk movie after Ang Lee's 2003 box-office disappointment starring Eric Bana. Rumors of fights and feuds between Marvel, Leterrier, and Edward Norton (who was brought on not only to star, but to re-write large portions of the script) may have already tainted this movie for fans. Norton skipped the publicity tour because of the negative lime light. Both Leterrier and Norton released short, completely unbelievable statements about how blown out of proportion the rumors are and what pure joy it was working with each other and Marvel on this project.

This movie is particularly important to Marvel as it's one of only two movies it will release this year (the first being the mega-hit 'Ironman'). Despite all of this, early reviews of the film have been hopeful. This coupled with the fact Norton rarely fails to deliver provides hope for Hulk fans, and non-geek theater-goers a like. Here's one of the many trailers released:

The second film is 'Baghead.' I know a lot less about this film. It's directed by the Duplass brothers. Whoever they are. Apparently they had a hit in the festival circuit in 2005 or something called 'The Puffy Chair.' But it obviously wasn't that big of a hit since no one's ever heard of it. What I do know, is that it was a hit at this year's Sundance Festival. I also know it has a rating of 100% on rottentomatoes.com. Click here to read the reviews at RT. While all the reviews are positive, they use what seem like conflicting words to describe the movie. Such as: horror, sexual, scary, political, charming, funny, sweet, warm, and innovative. Frankly, they had me with the first two words, but the last few do add intrigue...

This film is not being widely released, so unless your near a large city with a decent arthouse theater, you might not get to see this one until it's on the bottom shelf at your nearest blockbuster, probably hidden under the 700 copies of the latest Lindsey Lohan movie they ordered. If you do have the opportunity to see it, be prepared for a different type of film making. Nick Schager from Lessons of Darkness describes it as a "semi-improvisatory film making approach, capturing authenticity in their cast's fumbling gestures, half-spoken lines, and stumbling advances.' Still though, the trailer makes it look pretty promising.

Candy Mountain

2008-06-09T08:06:00.006-06:00

Wandering through the billions of Youtube videos never fails to endlessly entertain me. It also never fails to make me feel a little sad thinking about the people that spend so much time making these videos that, without some stroke of luck will probably be lost among all the others.

After I get sad thinking about all these wasted efforts, then I get really sad that I can spend hours entertaining myself this way. I start wondering if there is some more productive way I can spend my time, like alphabetizing my DVDs by director. Or making my own Hot 100 list since Maxim's was clearly created by a group of of men/women attracted to the androgynous underdog. It's at about this point that I start to shut my laptop...and just then, I find something like this:

Or this little diddy that Ben showed me:

That's when I get happy again.

4am

2008-06-09T03:53:00.012-06:00

Yesterday I went to Salt Lake to hang out with a friend. When I got downtown, my 'Low Fuel' light turned on. I drove a few more miles until I was afraid of running out of gas. That actually happened to me a few months ago. I literally ran out of gas. You know, like when you have to walk to a gas station with a container, buy a gallon of gas and walk back to your vehicle? I've never run out of gas, ever. But it happened (all except walking, because I called a friend to drive me the four blocks to the gas station). I blame it on the gas prices. Never have I feared 7-11 so much.

So I stop at the nearest gas station and end up paying more than 4 dollars a gallon.
This is bull shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, some countries have been paying 6 dollars a gallon for a while. So what? I wasn't buying gas in London, or in Paris, or where ever else the average per capita income is like, a billion dollars. Filling my tank at these prices costs over 100 dollars. But hey, at least Iraq is on the road to true democracy (is that why we went there? Or was it Saddam? Or was it the WMDs? I'm confused). Thanks Bush. I owe you one.

During our trip to Vegas two weekends ago, Ben was introduced to the game of roulette. That game is bitchin'. It really is a lot of fun. When we got back, Ben bought all the stuff to make our own table, and we spent about 4 hours making it. This is pretty much what my roommates and I do now. We each buy in using our bottomless savings of imaginary money. What if one of us runs out? No problem, we never run out of chips representing imaginary money. We use a random number generator, or an online roulette wheel to generate our numbers and bet on Lady Luck to win even more imaginary money. Sometimes I pretend my chips are worth 50 dollars each while everyone else's chips are only worth a dollar. It makes me feel like I'm at the high roller table. Does this make me a wanna-be elitist? Maybe. They're my chips though, so back off. After we've lost months worth of imaginary income to 'the house,' we start brushing up our blackjack skills (of which, we really have none). Is it actually possible to win at blackjack? I'm sure it's not. I could pay tuition for years with all the imaginary money I've lost at that game. But I guess that's why it's called gambling. In this picture are my friends, Mindy, Cen, and Bark (names have been changed to protect the liberal sinners).

BYU DISCLAIMER: NO MONEY, SERVICES, OR OTHER PRIZES WERE ACCEPTED OR PAID OUT IN THESE 'GAMBLING-LIKE' GAMES. WE RECOGNIZE THAT DOING SO IN ANY FORM WOULD BE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE HONOR CODE, AND UTAH'S ANTI-GAMBLING LAWS.

Sorry, just wanted to make sure Big Brother knows we're conforming.

Finally, I move to Radiohead. In their continuing conquest to be the best and most innovative band around, Radiohead released http://www.radioheadremix.com/ a few months ago. The band released the separate stems to 'Nude,' a single off their latest album, 'In Rainbows,' and allowed listeners to remix the song and upload it to this site. Visitors voted on their favorite mixes and the polling closed on June 1st. All 2252 remixes are still up on the site. Go listen to them. They're great.

With Radiohead's permission, Amplive remixed seven of the 'In Rainbow' tracks. These tracks are available for download for free here.

Consumption

2008-06-03T01:18:00.002-06:00

Have you ever wondered how many pints of milk you will drink in you life - and what that would look like? Or how many liters of tears you will cry? Have you ever wondered how many times you’ll have sex - and with how many people?

I don't agree.

2008-05-29T00:48:00.003-06:00

Survey says:

You're The Catcher in the Rye!

by J.D. Salinger

You are surrounded by phonies, and boy are you sick of them! In an
ongoing struggle to search for a land without phonies, you end up running away from
everything, from school to consequences. In this process, you reveal that many people
in your life have suffered torments and all you really want to do is catch them as
they fall. Perhaps using a baseball mitt. Your biggest fans are infamous
psychotics.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

That's bull.

Dane Cook is a Silly Son of a Bitch

2008-05-28T01:00:00.004-06:00

My buddy Ben and I took a little trip down to Vegas Memorial Day weekend. It was rad.

We sang karaoke, rode the rides on top of the Stratosphere, played roulette (not to mention I won), and saw Dane Cook perform at the Collesium at Caesar's Palace.

The performance was hilarious. Before the show, Ben heard a rumor that Dane's manager was handing out passes to a VIP after party. So he hunted the manager down, his name was Barry, and snagged us two tickets to the party.

So after the show, we went to a private room and hung out with the 3 comedians that performed and about 30 of the hottest girls I've ever seen in real life (watching The Hills doesn't count as seeing a hot chick I guess).

It feels so good.

2008-05-02T10:51:00.003-06:00

One of the many joys of going to my Mom's place in Idaho (and there are many) is taking a shower where the shower head is high enough that the water hits my head.

I understand that student apartments are run by monopolizing companies in Provo that know they don't have to compete with quality because 32,000 students are forced to live within a two miles radius of campus. And I get that these apartments aren't built to really be comfortable, but to stand the test of time. But why, when a bathroom has an 8 foot ceiling, is the shower nozzle so low that it hits me in the lower back? Since I've lived in Provo, I have lived in 5 different apartment complexes, and each one has had this problem. Why? I don't get it.

My Mom started a business and the grand opening of her office space is today. There's going to be a ribbon cutting and everything!

Awesome.

2008-04-15T05:56:00.001-06:00

This totally turns me on.

I Type Fast

2008-04-15T01:47:00.002-06:00

103 words

Speed test

Go and take the test, I guarantee you're not faster than me.

Taxes

2008-04-09T22:01:00.003-06:00

Only six days left until taxes are due. There's a lot of grumbling heard around this time of the year. People don't like to pay taxes, but I think it's important to remember that without our tax dollars, our political leaders wouldn't be able to afford upscale hookers.

Getting Dumped

2008-03-25T20:05:00.002-06:00

There are only 15 more days left until new episodes of The Office start airing. It's an exciting time. Sort of.

I find that this show is somewhat tainted now. Sure, there was a strike. Sure, the writer's probably deserved some more money, but what about me? I'm the one who paid $1.99 to download every episode of seasons 1, 2, and 3 from iTunes. I even switched over to Amazon.com's crappy Unbox when NBC had a fallout with iTunes. I own The Office on DVD. I have the deleted scenes memorized, and how am I rewarded? With months of reruns and crappy reality TV.

I once dated a girl. We got along pretty well. I think we enjoyed each other's company (I know I enjoyed her's). It was a mutually beneficial relationship. Then, seemingly out of the blue, she dumped me. She may have dumped me for valid reasons, and there were no hard feelings involved, but still, I had been dumped. She wanted to stay friends, which was okay. A few weeks later though, she decided she wanted to get back together. We started dating again, but it was different this time. I had been dumped, and those feelings of rejection stuck around. You could say some part of me resented her for tossing around my fragile ego like it was nothing. We quickly broke up again (this time it was my choice), that time for good.

Do you see the parallel? I was good to The Office. I was a dedicated fan. And seemingly out of the blue, it left me. Now it wants to jump back into my life with the promise of 6 new episodes!? Everythings just going to be the same, right Office?! Wrong sucker, too little too late. I may watch the new episodes. I might laugh and find myself hoping Dwight and Angela get together again, but it will never, I repeat, never, be the same.

I hope your strike was worth throwing away the last three and a half years, Office.

I get all my news from The Onion

2008-03-25T01:20:00.003-06:00

Sex Offender at Large

2008-03-10T01:32:00.006-06:00

As on most Sundays, I rolled out of bed around 2pm, and went to work at 4. Work is a relative term. What I do isn't really work. Although I get paid, and there are certain things I need to do, my job isn't hard at all. Most days, I play guitar hero, xbox 360 or watch movies (all on a big ass, 56 inch TV) for the length of my shift.

What I do, if you don't know, is 'supervise' three mentally handicapped men in their home. They live together in a duplex and buy lots of really nice stuff with their Social Security money (hence the TV and all the other bitchin' stuff I monopolize while I'm there). These mentally handicapped men will be referred to as 'guys, or 'my guys' from now on to avoid directing unnecessary attention to mental health, or the lack thereof.

The guys' ages range from 21 to 45. Gretchen (names have been changed) is the oldest of the bunch at 45. He is the most recent addition to the house that I work at. He moved in about a year ago. I believe he is the only registered sex offender of the three and served some time for his crimes.

All the guys at the house smoke. They each have different rules for being outside alone. Gretchen can't be left outside alone for any period of time. While seemingly unfounded, this rule proved to be an important one in the last month as Mike has ran away several times. It started when one of the staff broke his leg. Mike took advantage of this weakness and would leave knowing this cripple couldn't follow him.

Mike has never run away under my supervision. Until tonight.

I'm not sure how it happened. But here are the facts.

Around 8:15pm, Gretchen asked for his medication, said he was going to bed and went upstairs. Around 11pm, a Provo police officer knocks on the door with Mike in tow. The cop told me he had been found wandering around a condo complex in South Provo. Gretchen told the officer that his girlfriend told him through E.S.P. that he should meet her at this complex immediately. Gretchen has told me on multiple occasions that this girl (with whom he hasn't actually spoken in 30 years) frequently speaks to him through this method.

Because he has an alarm that goes off each time he opens his bedroom door, it's easy to be aware of his location in the house. I'm not sure how he managed to leave without me knowing. I know he left while I was watching '2 Fast 2 Furious' with the other guys, so I couldn't have been too involved with that...

Anyway, now I have a meeting with my boss's boss tomorrow to discuss this. Awesome.

The Academy is Confused

2008-02-26T00:43:00.003-07:00

I was really confused by the Academy choices last night. Could I have been more off on my choices?

Anyway, here's a review of 'The Lives of Others.'

The Lives of Others presents its audience with a compelling story that is far more relevant to our times than we’d like to admit. Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck has struck artistic gold with his Oscar contending, directorial and screenwriting debut. The skill of this filmmaking is terrifying in its own way as it forces us to think, to put ourselves in morally ambiguous situations and compels us to see the both the humanity and the inhumanity in each of us.

Donnersmarck has proven himself as a master story teller as he delves into the dark world of Socialism, East Berlin, and espionage. The story follows Stasi (German Secret Police) Captain Weisler (Ulrich Muhe) as he tries to determine the loyalties of playwright Georg Dreyman (Sebastian Koch) who has drawn attention to himself by being the only non-subversive playwright in Eastern Germany. Dreyman is involved with stage actress Christa-Maria Seiland (played sensually by Martina Gedeck) who, unbeknownst to Dreyman, is involved with culture minister Hempf. In his own plot line, Hempf is attempting to have Dreyman removed from the picture so that Seiland will become his own.

Donnersmarck uses this main storyline to weave a complex tale that certainly isn’t lacking in moral dilemmas. Donnersmarck poses some very interesting questions that can’t be answered simply. What is art really worth and what are we willing to sacrifice for its existence? Where exactly does government overstep its bounds in the name of protection of its citizen and in the name of the state? But most importantly, we see Donnersmarck’s belief that over great odds, humanity can triumph over even the evils of Socialism.

Despite these ever present, important themes, Lives doesn’t fail to deliver the goods on screen. Donnersmarck shows his skill at building palpable tension in one particular scene at Stasi headquarters. In an attempt to bring the equality Socialism to all levels of life, Weisler and another officer sit next to low level Stasi office workers. Without noticing the commanding officers, one of these young men starts to tell a joke about the then GDR leader, Erich Honecker. Upon realizing the step out of bounds, the young man backtracks quickly as the officers confirm this was a career ending move for him. The intensity at this moment could be cut with a knife. In other, lesser films, scenes like this can seem campy, overdramatic and unbelievable. Donnersmarck uses these chilling moments to shine as the audience is sucked into the overwhelming terror of such a dictatorship.

The true brilliance of the film comes in watching the complexity of the characters and the changes they go through. The no-frills screenplay allows us to see true human drama in a way that’s obviously not contrived. On top of these accomplishments, Donnersmarck manages this without drawn out action scenes, without gratuitous violence or sex. Don’t get me wrong, the gritty love story between Dreyman and Seiland is one of the main, and most compelling story lines that keeps the audience interested.

As we follow this masterpiece, the viewer becomes a part of both the Stasi and a part of the underground resistance. We understand the decisions made by both parties and this is what makes The Lives of Others so compelling. Watch this movie. Don’t be afraid of the subtitles, and you’ll be vastly rewarded.

Top Oscar Picks

2008-02-24T14:03:00.004-07:00

This is last second, but I thought I'd post my picks for tonight's Oscar ceremony before I went off to the Oscar party. So, here they are:

Best Picture: No Country For Old Men

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)

Best Actress: Julie Christie (Away From Her)

Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bordem (No Country For Old Men)

Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett (I'm Not There)

Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody (Juno)

Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Coen (No Country For Old Men)

Best Directing: Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood)

I certainly don't agree with some of these, but Academy politics dictate that these will be the winners.

Here, in my opinion are the should-be winners:

Best Picture: There Will Be Blood

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)

Best Actress: Laura Linney (The Savages)

Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bordem (No Country For Old Men)

Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett (I'm Not There)

Best Original Screenplay: Tamara Jenkins (The Savages)

Best Adapted Screenplay: Christopher Hampton (Atonement)

Best Directing: I honestly don't know who was a better director this year, Joe Wright, who wasn't even nominated for Atonement, or Paul Thomas Anderson with There Will Be Blood.

Oh my

2008-02-18T05:22:00.003-07:00

If you choose to watch the video below, just be warned, it's sad.

Parts of me like to think that this is part of a movie because this couldn't really exist right?

Other parts of me think, this isn't really what I watch at 5 in the morning for entertainment, right?

Long Live Radiohead

2008-02-16T23:24:00.003-07:00

Enjoy this tidbit from Radiohead's latest webcast.

Damn the Man

2008-02-12T01:35:00.001-07:00

I'm not even really sure I have a subject for a blog here. I was hoping to bitch about school, but it just sounds so whiny and self-indulgent. I am however facing a peculiar problem in my film class. I chose the class because it's title, 'Writing About Film and Theater.' Film is something I'm definitely interested in. Obsessed really. So much so, I find the lines blur sometimes between real life and reality. Is this healthy? Probably not.

I also enjoy writing about films. I don't know why. It doesn't matter. Either way this class made perfect sense. I knew it would be intensive, being an honors 300 level course, but I'm up to it, I review at least a movie a week on my own volition, so why not get a grade for it?

Here lies the problematic situation though. I've never wanted to be so involved in the learning process before. I actually want to be an over-achiever. Going to class is/was exciting. However, despite my best efforts made in class and out, I'm thwarted time and time again by my professor.

After a month of not writing anything, not watching any movies, or patronizing the theater, I finally submitted to my professor some reviews I did on my own. I asked not that they be graded, just that she make some comments on my voice, style and reviewing capabilities. She never responded to this e-mail. After trying to discuss it with her in class, I received some sort of non-committal brush off and still, there's no response.

I had a question about some of our assignments, how I could do them, what ways would be best, she never responded to my e-mail or voicemail.

What am I supposed to do about this? I actually want to acquire knowledge and I'm getting shut down. I've finally decided to stop asking questions, stop trying to be an active participant and do whatever is asked of me through the syllabus. This actually is kind of a buzz kill, making this class feel like some sort of general ed like physical science. And who's fault is it? I honestly don't know. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm going about things wrong. Maybe the professor just has trouble communicating with me, maybe I'm just meant to stop bitching about it.

We finally had our first assignment over the weekend. We were to attend BYU's latest production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, and write a two to three page review of the performance. The play was ridiculous. I had to sit through three hours of slap-stick physical comedy that even John Heder would be ashamed off, not to mention break-dancing fairies, more than obvious racist tones of the play, and actors that turned Shakespeare's iambic pentamenter into this sing song-y children's nursery rhyme recitation. Even though I know my professor thought 'it worked in a lot of ways,' I made my opinions known in my review. It will be interesting to see if I'm graded on my ability to write, or on my abilities to agree with the professor.

Too Little Too Late

2008-02-04T20:04:00.001-07:00

Sundance has been over for a week now. I went through this weird withdrawal/movie fatigue phase after it was all done. I was confused when I'd get up for the day, or after I'd get off work and there was no direction for me. I wasn't supposed to hop in my truck and drive to the mountains to see movies. I had nothing to do. Well that's how I felt anyway. I eventually found other things to do. I rediscovered 'Celebrity Rehab,' 'I Love New York' and various other VH1 productions. I did a little homework and I even started reading for pleasure.

I ended up seeing eight movies, all of varying degrees of quality. I think I've waited too long to write anything coherent about the films and I'm debating whether to even try.

First was Michael Haneke's remake 'Funny Games.' It was disturbing. Horrifying. The acting was brilliant. But I quickly remembered why the original had made such an impact on me: it's one giant slap in the face for seeking violence as entertainment. And as well made as it was, and as effective as it was as a social commentary, it's not a fun watch. The only disappointment I took with me as I left the theater is that the movie was a carbon copy of the Austrian version. The same shots, the same script, same soundtrack. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Maybe Haneke was completely satisified and felt no need to change. I guess I expected him to use the past ten years to some how build on his ideas or maybe I expected a change of opinion. Who knows? I've posted the trailer's at the end of this blog of both the Austrian and American versions. That terrifying, feral, howling song by John Zorn and Naked City that can be heard in the Austrian trailer is also heard in the American version. It's a shame they didn't use it in the trailer.

The truly disturbing element of the movie is how Haneke makes the viewer feel complicit with the 'bad guys' that terrorize the victim family. Although the majority of violence takes place off the screen, Haneke focuses the camera on the reactions of the nearby family members that are forced to watch which takes violences out of it's glamourous video game mode and turns on the humanity. What actually made me disgusted and angered in the film is this: at the points in the movie that are truly the most hopeless and sadistic, the parts that really make you feel deseperation, the audience surrounding me laughed. In one particular scene, immediately after the mother and father of the family watched their son murdered, the mom gets ready to go for help (the father was crippled by the villians). The father sobs uncontrollably and askes his wife to forgive him for not being able to protect 'his family. Heartbreaking, yeah? The other Sundancers thought this was hilarious. Haneke's point was that society has turned into this weird, soulless, entertainment whore that feeds off violence as entertainment and even worse, no one seems to feel that there's anything wrong with this. Towards the end of the film, the mother asked why the boys won't just kill them and end this, to which they answer: You mustn't forgot the importance of entertainment. In the Austrian version of the same scene, the boy answers, 'We haven't reached the length of a feature film yet!' Some may feel that this opinion is unjustified, but I was one hundred percent convinced that this is true as I saw people eating their Milk Duds and laughing at the torture and murder of an innocent family.

So, there are seven more, but I don't think I can invest the time, and I think it's probably boring to read about anyway. However, two other movies definitely deserve mention: Alan Ball's 'Towelhead,' and Clark Greg's 'Choke.' Both have been purchased, so I'm sure everyone will have the opportunities to see them. Be warned, they'll both probably have to have things cut out of them to keep an R rating.

Well, as bitchin' as this is, The Flavor of Love is on.

Oh, and New Kids on The Block are back together. They have a new album coming out.

Atonement

2008-01-17T19:33:00.001-07:00

Joe Wright cemented his place as a new, seriously talented director with his latest film, 'Atonement.' Having already made some noise with his first film (the generally well received adaptation of 'Pride and Prejudice (2005)') Wright continues to bring history to the screen. 'Atonement' was a greater challenge, requiring vast amounts of skill to do justice to Ian McEwan's 2001 novel.

The movie spans several decades and moods. Three distinct time periods tell the story of Cecilia Tallis (Keira Knightley), her little sister Briony (played by three separate actresses) and Robbie Turner (James McAvoy). The story follows these three as their lives take place in the 1930's upper-crust home of the Tallis' where Robbie is Cambridge-educated son of the groundskeeper, and through the devastation of WWII in France.

The film opens before the war, at the palatial estate of the Tallis family. Cecilia has been fighting her attraction to Robbie, the son of the Tallis' grounds keeper, for years and Briony has her own school girl crush on him. The sexual tension between Robbie and Cecilia is palpable.

On a momentous day, with the 'clarity of passion,' Cecilia and Robbie finally act on their sexual attraction to each other due to a farcical miscommunication. This act is witnessed, but not understood by 13 year old Briony who misinterprets the act as something violent committed by a sex maniac. Another tragic event that evening, the rape of a cousin, forces Briony to accuse Robbie of these things which places his future in jeopardy.

The film then jumps ahead to 1939. Robbie is an ex-con fighting in the army in lieu of sitting in jail. Cecilia has become a nurse for the war effort and is now completely estranged with the her family who prefer keeping the untidiness of that fateful night tucked in the past, rather than revisiting it to learn the truth. It's during this time that Robbie and Cecilia have one, fleeting encounter in London before Robbie reports for duty. In a scene that will surely stick in the minds of viewers long after the credits stop rolling, the two reunite with few words, but acting that screams volumes. In an obvious attempt at penance, Briony has also become a nurse, deserting her place at Cambridge. Now 18, she has come to grasp what she has done to Robbie and her sister and seeks to make atonement for the ruined lives she caused.

Scriptwriters faced quite the task of taking McEwan's sprawling and complex tale and turning it into just over two hours running time. Yet, the feel of the film isn't rushed. All the elements work together to create what can only be considered an instant classic, a masterpiece, and an obvious favorite for this year's award season. The moving and emotional original score by Dario Marianelli ('V for Vendetta,' 'Pride and Prejudice') works hand in hand with Wright's vision for the film, adding to the splendor of the 1930s privileged life in the upper class and underscoring the devastation of war, death, and love lost.

The art direction alone is prime example of cinematography as art, pay attention Oscar. In perhaps the films finest moment, a single camera shot of over 5 minutes follows Robbie on a beach in the city of Dunkirk as 300,000 British soldiers await evacuation. Wright uses the shot to sum up a scene that must have taken thousands of words in the novel, to show the horrific reality of war. The camera weaves and darts and just when you think it will cut to the next shot, it stays with Robbie as he wanders past crumbling buildings, a singing choir, and euthanized show horses.

Even though each individual element of the film is fantastic (scriptwriting, directing, acting, etc.) the film is somehow more than sum of it's parts. Even with all the talent that went into this film, it wouldn't have been the masterpiece it is if Wright had forgotten the simple power of McEwan's words. One can't help but get excited about this new comer and his newest film-as-art. This is not your father's period piece, and 'Atonement' is something no one will soon forget.

Countdown to Sundance

2008-01-15T00:41:00.001-07:00

There's only three days until Sundance 2008 officially opens it's doors. Well, 4 days for us schmucks who couldn't cough up the $4,000 for carte blanc packages that would actually allow the attendance of opening day events. But who cares! It's time to Sundance.

The previous few years have consistently delivered completely satisfying experiences that left me hungry for the next year of experimental art film.

I'll be seeing six film this year. Some I've awaited with great anticipation, some are risky choices based on plot summaries, directors and actors, and others were chosen on a whim as I waited in line to buy these tickets.

Of the six films I'll be attending, I'm most excited about two. First is Michael Haneke's remake of his own 1997 Austrian film, 'Funny Games.' An alarming film about the glorification of on-screen violence. The cast (starring Tim Roth, Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt) encourages one to hope for on-screen magic as a home invasion turns into something more sadistic and a family is forced to play 'funny games' throughout the night with the hope of surviving.

The second film is 'Choke.' Directed by Clark Gregg (his directorial debut) this adaptation of the Chuck Palahniuk novel follows Victor Mancini (Sam Rockwell) as he schemes and cons to support his deranged mother in an expensive private mental hospital. As always, Palahniuk explores the darker side of life. Hopefully, the other works of Palahniuk translate to the big screen as well as 'Fight Club.'

The other screenings I'll be attending include Alan Ball's feature-length directorial debut of 'Towelhead,' starring Aaron Eckhart and Toni Collette, George A. Romero's 'Diary of the Dead,' (who can help but go see a zombie movie directed by the Romero?), Tom Kalin's Savage Grace (Julianne Moore and Stephen Dillane), and finally, 'Ballast,' directed by Lance Hammer.

Hopefully, this year's experience will outshine the last few years were I discovered 'The Descent,' 'Black Snake Moan,' and 'The Illusionist' among others.

Pictures and stories will follow.

Aspen Ridge Managment's Redemption and 'Margot at the Wedding'

2008-01-10T22:01:00.001-07:00

I seriously edited my last blog and for good reason. As you can tell, I don't update my blog anymore so I forget about what I've written. Well, I seriously bagged on Aspen Ridge Management and Brookview Apartments in my most recent blog.

The thing is, later the day I wrote the blog, I worked through e-mail with a woman named Hilary. I'm not sure what her position is with the company, but she's the one constantly answering my e-mails even on weekends and after hours. I wrote what I thought was a calm, temper-free e-mail (although I'm definitely biased) explaining my concerns and how I felt it was simply not fair what happened in my apartment. Based on recommendations from BYU, I wrote an e-mail requesting specific...recompense? Compensation? Is that the right word?

Anyway, Hilary wrote me back almost immediately explaining why certain things happened the way they did (which was actually understandable and made me feel like a dick because I may have, just maybe overreacted). She was completely kind, not at all on the defensive or offensive. She just responded to my request.

I left part of deciding how to work things out up to her discretion. I expected to receive a portion of what I wanted, but she responded with a much more generous offer than the things I asked for.

Never have I actually had a landlord/management company that is so accommodating, reasonable, and willing to do anything in it's power to keep their tenants happy.

I now feel quite bad about ragging on Aspen Ridge in my blog because it was a completely unfair representation of their management style and their go-the-extra-mile customer service. So just know, if you ever live in one of the complexes managed by Aspen Ridge, you will be in good hands. I will definitely live under their management again. You can put money on that.

In other news. Noah Baumbach's latest film, 'Margot at the Wedding' was truly inspiring. As somewhat of an experimental film, the movie does not follow a specific plot line but allows the incredibly well developed characters to take us where they may.

The film follows a family of intelligentsia on the East coast who can't help but manipulate and hurt each other. The best part is, they're smart enough to know what they're doing. The characters are so real, you can see at least a part of the worst of them in yourself. It's a hilarious, yet uncomfortable film to watch. Baumbach is truly one of the more gifted young directors of our generation.

Long time no blog...

2008-01-04T03:26:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since my last blog. A long while.

Although a lot of things have happened that are worth writing, I just haven't gathered the motivation to do it.

For instance, I saw Bjork perform in Las Vegas. It was life changed. I found out there are other pople like me out there.

Christmas came and went. So did New Years.

I spent Christmas in Idaho with the family. The gifts were great and so was the company. My bro-in-law and I got to spend some quality time saving the world from the Umbrella Corporation in Resident Evil 4. I really feel like I used my free time during the holiday break to accomplish something great.

I received the Radiohead In Rainbow's discbox set from my mom for Christmas. It included two 12 inch vinyl albums. It's awesome and collectible, but really...what am I supposed to do with them? Buy a record player?

The discbox included a second cd aptly titled In Rainbows [Disc 2]. It's pure musical magic that hasn't stopped playing on my iPod since I got it.

No Country for Old Awesome

2007-11-22T01:22:00.002-07:00

I went and saw the Cohen brothers' "No Country for Old Men" tonight. It was seriously awesome. I happen to be in Portland right now and since I've never been to an art house theater that wasn't located at 300 S. and 300 E. in Salt Lake, I thought it'd be cool to visit one here.

Although I had an enjoyable time, I must admit, I noticed several differences in movie watching etiquette between the two states.

The theater wasn't that large, but it was almost full. I would guess that another hundred people decided to attend the same viewing that my cousin and I attended. During the time between the end of the previews and the beginning of the ending credits, I was able to hear 7 different ring tones from seven individuals.

This isn't that big of a deal, it's just a big change from the things I'm used to back in the beehive state. To these Oregonians' credit, not one of them answered the call to say, 'Dude, I'm in a movie, what do you need?'

There was a couple sitting directly behind me and my cousin. The violence in this awesome movie came as quite a shock to these two, despite the MPAA's clear warning that the movie is rated R for 'strong graphic violence.' Several murders are witnessed in the first few minutes of the movie and each time a shot was fired or blood splattered, the girl behind us would cry loudly, 'No, baby, NO!' And her man-friend would hiss, 'What the f@#% is this s$%t?' Two animal killings, 3 counts of manslaughters and 10 corpses later, the man-friend had had enough and they got up to leave.

All movie-going observances aside, 'No Country for Old Men' is darker, weirder and funnier than 'Fargo.' Go see this movie. It's definitely a career high for the Cohen brothers. Well done Joel. Well done Ethan.

What the hell?

2007-10-18T05:26:00.001-06:00

So, I was googling one of my many online monikers and under a search for 'byuistheshiz,' an American Express website came up.

http://localcolorguides.americanexpress.com/photos/photoViewer.aspx?ReviewID=1464219

Why are my mission pictures on the American Express website?

My Ear As A Suction Cup

2007-10-18T03:33:00.001-06:00

I wasn't really sure which words should be capitalized, so I capitalized them all.

Last night, I fell asleep around 1:45. At least I think that's when I fell asleep. At any rate, I woke up right around two. I was slightly disturbed to hear someone bawling in the living room. It didn't surprise me that one or all of my roommates were up, we don't go to bed very early, but the sobbing was a foreign sound, one not heard in my apartment.

I couldn't just open my door to investigate. For one, I wasn't dressed for such an occasion. Also, this episode was probably a private one for those involved. I couldn't rule out the option of the noise coming from the television. Based on all this, I pressed my ear up against my door to more clearly decipher the goings on in my living room.

After a few seconds of listening, I was fairly certain it was in fact coming from the TV. Satisfied, I wanted to get back in to bed. As I moved my head away from the door, my ear created a rather strong vacuum of air. As the seal broke, it made a quiet popping noise and it felt as if my ear drum may have exited my ear canal and remained on the door. It hurt.

___________________________________________________________

I've been sick for over a week now. It's not much fun. I feel like one of the 'infected' in '28 Days Later' and '28 Weeks Later.' Everywhere I go, I seem to spread my illness to everyone. For your own good, stay away from me. I can't help but hurt you.

Radiohead, Park City and Prostitution

2007-10-10T15:22:00.001-06:00

Radiohead's new album came out today. God bless those people. I have been listening to it non stop since I got it. Just like all the other albums, this has a completely different style of it's own. Thom Yorke is a God.

Go to http://www.inrainbows.com/ and download it. Radiohead only asks that you pay what you think it's worth (including the option of downloading it for free). Please pay for it though. It's definitely worth it.

My sister and I went to Park City on Thursday. It was bitchin'. I love that place. We walked around and mocked all the tourists (which seems ironic because I think technically we are tourists). We chose to eat lunch at what seemed like a charming brewery. The overwhelming smell of yeast wasn't so charming, nor was the lack of service, but the food was decent, and the atmosphere beats Applebee's any day.

Then we went to the outlet malls. Partly because of the Banana Republic and Gap stores, but mostly because there's a store there that lets you play with puppies for free! Unfortunately, there weren't any available puppies that day, but we did get to look at some dogs that haven't received their shots yet and therefore were unfit for hands on public interaction. I love dogs.

My fam and I went to this swap meet thing this weekend. It was about as horrible as the name implies. We were walking along the booths that offered lucky raccoon feet (I'm not kidding) and old Osmond family vinyls when we came to a sword/knife/geek display. I'm sure you can imagine it. Something put on by avid Magic players and World of Warcraft gurus. We stopped to admire a cane that had a tiny little snake (may have been real, maybe not) encased in an amber like substance that made the handle of the cane.

Out of nowhere, this...boy covered in acne (not that I'm making fun, but is important to judge his age) popped out from behind several torture devices and said, "I've got a question for you," looking at me. He asked me how old I was. I was confused by the question and couldn't remember exactly how old I am having had a birthday recently. "22," I said, "No, wait, 23," I'm pretty sure this was the reason for his smirk. He replied, "These are hidden sword canes and you must be over 18 to look at them." He insisted on seeing my ID.

I'm glad I had my attorney with me (my bro-in-law). He quickly advised me to not answer any questions and told the pubescent boy that we'll just stop looking at them. We walked away and laughed about it the rest of the day.

Today I was thinking. I was thinking about how I would like to go see a play at the Rose Wagner theater downtown in Salt Lake or to go see the Utah symphony at Abravanal Hall. Of course I would never be able to get one of my guy friends to attend such an event and I definitely wouldn't want to go alone. The other option would be family or a date. The family near by is my sis and bro-in-law who probably wouldn't be against such a thing, but they're super busy attorneys and work late, this just wouldn't work. The last option would be a date.

I'm not opposed to this option. But tickets to these things are expensive, even with a student discount. It seemed to me that paying for a date would be at least an extra 60 or 70 bucks. Then it hit me, taking a date is pretty much like hiring an escort. You don't want to be alone so you hire social company. The only difference (and sometimes this doesn't even apply) is that there is no obligatory sex, and if you do end up having sex, you don't break any laws or feel bad about it. Dating is pretty much prostitution with no sex. What a lame loop hole.

Admittedly, a relationship with one of these escort girls might go all 'Pretty Woman' and feelings might develop. At which point, dates might become 'dutch' or at least financial responsibilities become shared. But any way you look at it, she started out as a hooker.

Friends and laugh tracks

2007-10-02T18:04:00.001-06:00

I had an outline for this blog, but I have to comment on this movie that's on TV. I'm at work and the guys have chosen to watch CMT. I'm personally afraid of this channel. I'm afraid I'll fall asleep watching country music videos and wake up racist. Yes, if you listen to country music, you're racist.

The music videos ended and an old western came on. It's showing a group of white taskmasters supervising a group of black railroad workers. As a side note, they're censoring the word 'nigger' left and right. Well, somehow, racial tensions escalated and now they're in an accapella sing-off. Boy can those boys sing.

Since the premiere of The Office, I've been a little pouty. I feel that the creator's of this show have become too greedy. When NBC purchased 30 episodes, I had complete faith that the writers would be able to keep up the level of comic genius that trademarks the previous season. I've heard different opinions of the premiere, but I thought it was excessively mediocre.

Because of this, I'm turning to Friends, the show that never let me down (except for that one episode where Joey could speak French by making random noises). I've watched half of the first season and it's hilarious. The only issue I have with this show is the laugh tracks. It's driving me insane!

I don't watch much TV anymore, but the things I do watch are in similar format to The Office--mockumentaries, reality TV, things not accompanied by a laugh track. Now every time that annoying sound comes on, I cringe and it's stealing the humor right out from under me. I've only watched 12 episodes and there's still 9 1/2 seasons left. I can grow accustomed to it, I'm sure. Plus, I'd do anything for Chandler and Phoebe. They light up my life.

_______________________________________

When I arrived at work today, I found at that Dwayne had decided to confess to his crimes today. At the police station, they decided to hold him over night until a preliminary hearing tomorrow. His case worker with Chrysalis will be attending the hearing and requesting that the prosecutor keeps him in custody (up to three months) until Dwayne's trail. Chrysalis will not be welcoming him back in to the program and because of his extensive criminal history, the state has cut his funding for such programs. Things are not looking good for him.

9600mg of Ibuprofen and Radiohead

2007-10-01T23:27:00.001-06:00

There was an actual interesting event in my life today. It's going to take a little bit of explaining so strap in and enjoy the ride, it will be worth it.

I work for a company named Chrysalis. This is a privately run organization for the mentally handicapped. In order to be in the program, you must have an IQ less than 70, or be court ordered into it. Chrysalis sets three or four mentally challenged individuals up with an apartment. They live a mostly normal life, going to work and just plain living. I work as a staff at one of these 'houses.' House 3 to be exact.

I've worked at the same house for one year. Three guys live there, Dwayne, Steve and Mike. Mike just entered the program about 6 months ago shortly after getting out of jail. He's 45 and is handicapped from a serious car accident. He is a pretty fun guy but has some serious mood swings. Steve is about 35, was born handicapped and is the most pleasant guy to work with ever. He's so calm. He loves to make dinner for his roommates and has never created any problems with roommates or staff. Dwayne is 21 and is the highest functioning of the crew. Because he's so smart, he manipulates, steals and lies. He's pleasant about half the time and impossible the other half.

Dwayne has a history of stealing credit and debit cards. Earlier this year, he had strict money guidelines that said he was never allowed to hold his own money, all purchases must be made under staff supervision. Even then, he managed to get around the rules. He threw constant fits to his guardian about his lack of freedom concerning money and finally, Chrysalis gave in and allowed him the privilege of handling his own money. Since this point, he has stolen literally thousands of dollars and we the staff are powerless to do anything. His most recent crime involved stealing his boss's credit card. Over the last week, he's spent about $800.

He was finally confronted with all the evidence against him today. The detective assigned to him told him that because of his criminal history, they were pushing for two counts of felony fraud. This terrified Dwayne. He finally admitted to me and my manager that yes, he had stolen the card and used it to purchase several things. Of course, he tried to push the blame off to another, but he actually confessed. Because of this, staff was told that under no circumstances was Dwayne allowed to go to any stores or have any friends over.

Being so terrified, Dwayne needed his support group so he called his girlfriend Lindsay (a former Chrysalis resident who had 'graduated' the program and now lives on her own). She had already been questioned about the credit card and was furious with Dwayne that he had gotten her into trouble as well. Dwayne, being rejected from every side, became hysterical. I've never seen him so upset. He was bawling on the floor of the kitchen while talking to Lindsay. He was literally hysterical and threatened over and over that he was going to kill himself.

Dwayne's behavior plan included strict suicide watch. He's not allowed to have any sharps in the house at all, meaning knifes, scissors, etc. Some how, he managed in the last few months to acquire a large pocket knife, and all though staff has known about it, they haven't managed to locate and confiscate it. After screaming at his girlfriend, he ran upstairs to his room and locked his door. I tried to talk him down as much as a could. He finally came out of his room to call Lindsay again.

At this point, he told me he had taken 12 pills of something he had found in his room. I ran to his room to find out what he took. It turns out, they were 800mg pills of prescription Ibuprofen. I called my manager and he told me to follow exactly the plan outlined for this situation in his record book. The book told me to call poison control, which I did. The man from PC told me that although the dose wasn't lethal and wouldn't even seriously make him ill, they are required by law to send an ambulance due to the suicide threats.

The man from poison control transferred me to 911 dispatch. They asked for my address and a myriad of other details. I gave them the address as 329 N. 800 E. I stayed on the phone with dispatch and she told me the officers were pulling up to the house. I didn't see anything... Then I realized that the actual address is 329 N. 800 W. Oops.

Soon enough, I could hear the sirens coming. Dwayne was really stressed he was going to jail. He was crying so hard and just grabbed on to me anyway he could. Finally, the fire engine (what?), two patrol cars and an ambulance pulled up. Dwayne did not want to be separated from me at all. I spoke with all the appropriate officers, gave them my information and then followed the ambulance to the hospital.

There, I sat with Dwayne in his room. I had to give the doctor a detailed account of his previous suicide attempts which was unbelievably awkward (the things he did were unbelievably horrible). I had planned on hanging out with my sister tonight so I asked if another staff could come and stay with him for two hours while I went to dinner. I was replaced and went to dinner. I was assigned to spend the night with Dwayne in the hospital if the social worker assigned to the case felt that he was still a danger too himself. I was heading back to the hospital at 11pm when I got a call saying that Dwayne had been released and I didn't need to go. I went to the house, talked to Dwayne and came home.

____________________________________

Now, on a completely separate, completely not serious note, let's talk about Radiohead.

Radiohead has finally announced the release of their 8th album. It's called 'In Rainbows.' Radiohead, being as progressive as they are, they are trying a completely new business model. It's called, 'pay as much as you want.' Radiohead head is releasing two new products. The first is a digital download, available from inrainbows.com in ten days. This is downloadable at any price. Radiohead is asking fans to pay what they feel they should. This includes the option of downloading it for free!

The second product is a 40 British Pounds ($82) box set. It includes the digital download on CD, an extra disc that includes more new music, and two 2x12 vinyls. Of course I'll buy both. I just love Radiohead so much it hurts.

Resident Evil Crap-tinction

2007-10-01T00:09:00.001-06:00

I went and saw Resident Evil: Extinction tonight. It made me sad.

The action was awesome, and the dead people were kind of scary, but like most zombie sequel movies, the farther on the series go, the more outlandish it becomes. Now, I realize the irony in expecting realism in a zombie movie. The thing that's interesting to me in zombie movies is the natural vs. supernatural. Why do sequels have to keep adding more and more advanced zombies and giving the humans supernatural powers? This is how the movie was ruined. Well, that, and the complete lack of character development. And a story line. And good acting.

I was thinking about an awesome movie and at the time, I was really tired. I was thinking about how I have never seen Asian zombies. Have you? What if we called my movie, "Zombasians," you know, the words zombie and Asian mixed. And in this movie, I thought that the entire world was clueless to the fact that Japan, or China (we'll call it Japan since they're a little more friendly towards tourism.) was a big farce. Any sort of advertisement or movie that has to do with Japan isn't really, and really, it's a big trap for humans. Tourists would come and they (the zombasians) would just eat you! I hadn't really thought this through because even now, I know it's just too fantastic to work. If I did write this script, it would be horrible and I'd have to get someone crappy like Michael Bay to direct it.

I've gained a new appreciation of Utah's outdoors...outdoorsness. The other night, I stayed up until 4 in the morning, and I sensed I was bothering my roommates since I was on the phone. Because of this, I went out side and laid in the grass. The wind was blowing and it was really nice. I was also really tired at this point, maybe I'm just stoned. Then the next day, it rained/snowed all day and quickly lost my appreciation for Utah weather.

Lame.

Poems about my family

2007-09-29T03:38:00.001-06:00

Jessica:

Jessica is my sister's name
She's a big shot attorney
She likes to play lots of games
But wouldn't enter a tourney.

She really likes Guitar Hero
Although I can beat her
On a scale of one to ten,
I give her a big ONE ZERO
That's ten.

My mom:

My mom likes to travel all over the world
She leaves behind a puppy all cute and curled
in his bed he waits for her to come
back to him so he can lick her with his tongue.

She lives up north where I live no more.
But often, so often I call her to bore
her with my rants and bitches and whines
She takes it in stride and keeps me in line.

Matt:

Matt's my bro-in-law and I like that
We get along great like the Cat in the Hat
He really likes movies and has rubbed off on me,
Now I watch movies like the movies that watches he.

He has a new job in Salt Lake City
It's great for him but sometimes I pity,
When I go to his house and he's not there,
Because he's riding a bus instead of paying cab fare.

There might be more to come, then again, tomorrow when I'm not so tired, I may delete this post all together.

Me vs. The World

2007-09-28T03:00:00.001-06:00

There are several things that have really been annoying me today. I realize that this may become some sort of rant and while I don't want to sound bitchy, I think this is probably the best forum to channel my intense feelings of hate and anger.

Conflict 1

Apparently, NBC and iTunes had a big fight over the cost at which iTunes has been selling their TV shows. Apparently $1.99 per episodes wasn't enough money for NBC and because Apple refused to hike prices, the two simply did not continue their mutual contract. What does this mean for me? A lot of bull crap. Although the NBC contract doesn't end until December, iTunes decided it would be best to make a clean cut and not sell any new episodes from the new seasons of shows like My Name is Earl, The Office, 30 Rock etc. iTunes has decided to sell these episodes on Amazon's 'Unbox.'

Conflict 2

'Unbox' is the dumbest name in the world. It's also very representitive of the quality of the program itself. It's pretty much a cheap knock off of iTunes but it doesn't work as well at all. I had to download the f-ing software four times before it finally worked on my computer. Then I had to tell Amazon I wanted the first episode of The Office twice before it started downloading at a painfully slow rate. I'll be lucky to have it downloaded by the time I go to work tomorrow at 2pm.

Conflict 3

My internet is really crappy. In fact, at this very moment, I'm stealing internet from a neighboring apartment complex. The problem seems to be our wireless router which goes out at the most inopportune times. Like when I'm trying to download the dumb-ass 'Unbox' from dumb-ass Amazon. The problem can usually be fixed by going into the living room, unplugging the router, waiting 5 seconds and plugging it back in.

Conflict 4

As I went into the living room to fix the router (in order to resolve conflicts 1-3) I turn on the living room light to see that my roommate had chosen to sleep on the couch tonight. In a rude twist of fate, the router was right by his head. Now, I like this roommate, in fact I like him a lot, but I don't know him that well yet. I feared that if I had tried to reset the router mere inches from his head and on the off chance he woke up and saw me, things might get awkward. I swore silently in Russian and returned to my room.

Conflict 5

All of this started because my roommates seem to refuse to embrace all that The Office has become to millions of Americans. Tonight, when I should have been watching the long awaited season premier of the office, my roommates were watching reruns of Arrested Development. It's a charming show as well but I only have enough room in my heart for one sitcom. It was hard enough to move on from Friends. I didn't care too much that they weren't watching The Office because I thought I'd be able to download it from iTunes tomorrow morning, but Noooo.

Conflict 6

Somehow, on the 30 foot trek from my front door to my mailbox, I managed to lose the only existing key to my apartment's mailbox. Because I have a subscription to Netflix and I get a lot of mail here, I went to the post office and paid the $15 fee to have a new lock placed on the mailbox.

Good things about today 1

Although I did have to pay $15 at the post office, my American Express Sky Miles Gold card gives me double miles when used for US Postal Services!

Good things about today 2

I had two Slurpees today. One was a mix of Coke and Fanta banana, the other was a mix of Coke and some mysterious blue vanilla. They were both exceptional examples of what a Slurpee should be.

Good things about today 3

I finally got Amazon's gay-ass 'Unbox' working and there's only 6 hours and 24 minutes remaining until I can finally see the season premier of The Office, season 4.

My horrible, horrible dream.

2007-09-26T20:27:00.001-06:00

Lately, I’ve been having trouble falling asleep. I’ve been tossing and turning until 4 or 5 in the morning only to drag myself out of bed in time to be only 20 to 25 minutes late to my 10 o’clock class. Last night, I thought I’d be on the offensive. I took two sleeping pills as per indicated on the side of the bottle. I figured this would make getting up a little more difficult, but at least I’d get more sleep.

I took the pills around 1:30am. I waited and waited, wrote a blog and waited. Finally around 2:45 I started to feel a little tired so I shut off the lights and started an audiobook on my laptop. I specifically noticed that I started the first track at 2:55am. I promptly fell asleep and experienced the following dream. The odd thing is, I woke up at 3:04am and apparently experience this whole dream in less than 9 minutes of sleep.

I was driving through a wooded area on my way from Boise to Salt Lake City. Or Salt Lake City to Idaho Falls, or some other 4 hour drive. I fell asleep driving and when I woke up, my car was skidding out of control. I was still so tired that I couldn’t open my eyes. I just braced myself and just hoped that my car didn’t hit anything at the high speeds I was spinning. I never really hit anything at this point.

Then I was driving again. I’m not sure if this was after the previous skidding or it’s simply that I have a second chance. Well, I was asleep while driving again at any rate. This time, when I woke up, I was able to open my eyes as I skidded off the highway and landed under an overpass. Under this over pass was a group of bears including a mother and two large cubs which I had frightened. As I left the car, the group of bears charged me. As I was running away, another bear was coming from the direction I was running. The mother bear bit my hand.

I was driving again with no injuries. Of course, I was asleep this time as with the others and when I woke up, I was unable to open my eyes. I had driven into an extremely icy lake and I could feel the freezing water pouring into my car. I grabbed the door handle but I couldn't get the door open. I knew this was it and I was going to die.

Then I woke up.

Things heard around my apartment

2007-09-26T00:10:00.001-06:00

At 12:30AM last night, I was sitting in my living room with my three roommates: Ben, Darrin and Mark. Although I was taking part in the sporadic conversations, (everyone was studying so these conversations were separated by silent periods) I took the opportunity to listen to the speech patterns of my three friends.

At one point, I closed my eyes to rest them and for a split second, I thought I was in a Mormon film. The following phrases were used during these conversations at least once:

'He was suck a friggin' ace.'
'Oh my flippin' heck.'
'Fudge!'
'Abso-friggin'-lutely
'Fetch! Are you serious?'

Welcome to Utah, where even profanity is done in moderation.

Now, I'm a fan of euphemisms just like most Mormons, but it seems to me that these particular displays of self-control weren't so much a sign of devotion to certain principles, but the mark of a society that's forgetting the beauty and power of a four letter word.

It's my belief there are certain times where profanity is not only necessary, but can add a delightful sense of humor to any situation. For example: I stubbed my toe getting out of bed the other morning. At that moment, it wasn't just the pain that was getting to me, it was the overwhelming feeling that this was a sign of things that would come to pass that day. I promptly yelled, 'Shit!' thinking the apartment was empty. At that same moment, my roomie Ben was outside my door and burst out laughing. I couldn't help but laugh myself at my situation as I grabbed my foot and fell back on my bed.

Now if I had chosen a slightly different lexicon, we'll take one from the examples from above, and had yelled, "Fudge!" I believe things would have been different. First, I would have felt oppressed, or repressed, or whatever the correct terminology is. Not allowing myself to express...well...myself should be a sin. It's like placing a big black censorship bar over the breasts of Venus De Milo. Language, like other mediums is art and we all know that censorship is bad in any form. If everyone kept repressing themselves, eventually someone would take it upon themselves to enforce this repression and then we'd have the next Joseph Stalin right here in Provo, sending anyone with the heuvos to drop the B-bomb (bitch) to Siberia (or perhaps Moab in Utah's case). A step like this is one step closer to fascism.

Also, Ben probably wouldn't have laughed at my response to my own pain, I wouldn't have been able to laugh it off myself, and because we all know The Secret works, my negative expectations for that day would have manifested themselves (yeah, thanks universe) and my mood would have become worse and worse--not to mention I probably wouldn't have got any checks in the mail that day.

Blogging is the new movie review.

2007-09-25T17:53:00.001-06:00

My sister suggested I started blogging again. I used to do it pretty frequently. It seemed like I had more interesting experiences at that point in my life. Jessica (the sister) says it's all about turning the mundane into something witty and interesting.

Today I had lunch with that sister. She's a lot of fun. When we were both studying at BYU, we'd have lunch twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursday at 11am. We skipped the optional devotionals and forums after being dramatically disappointed after attending a few.

Since those times, she's graduated law school, passed the bar and become a super attorney that's just a little too busy for two lunches a week with a lowly undergrad majoring in a lame emphasis. She still makes time for a good lunch date a week.

Today we went to The Smokehouse. I nice little barbecue restaurant in downtown Provo. The food was delicious and we treated ourselves to a desert named Toughies. After lunch, I went grocery shopping and picked up a few necessities like milk and string cheese. When I arrived home, I promptly put away the perishables, went into the bathroom and emptied my stomach of all it's contents the opposite way they were supposed to come out.

Could this have been food poisoning? The flu? I dare say it was the Toughies which may just have been too tough for my stomach. Does this mean I'll give up The Smokehouse or their delicious fried deserts? I don't think so.

After this, I took a quick nap and now I'm at work where I care for the mentally handicapped. I am only able to rob neighbors' Wi-Fi from the porch so here I am, sitting and typing, trying to be witty and entertaining but fearing I probably failed on this first attempt. This doesn't trouble me however. I now have my own page at blogspot and will continue until I am the Mormon version of David Sedaris.

While writing this blog, I'm chatting with a friend of mine from Kolpino, Russia. We met while I was living in St. Petersburg. A year and a half later, we met up in Samara while I was doing poverty research and she was vacationing. Could this be something? I'm not sure yet. I'm conflicted with the part of my brain that cares what people think. All my life, I've been unpleasantly aware of those returned missionaries who bring back the locals to enjoy wedded bliss for all eternity. I've always hated these former elders. To add to this conundrum, I've become somewhat opposed to and biased against Russians, whom I found generally distasteful. All these things against us. But what if it's true love? Like Romeo and Juliette--The Claire Danes version.